


Let's all Bat-Chat Together!

by RebelDrFerguson



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Justice League (2017)
Genre: #HelpMyMomIstryingToMakeMeGoOutside, Alfred Shopping, Alfred being sassy, Barry being a dork, Bat Chat, Bruce Wayne is in a closet, Bruce always gets the bad guys, Bruce has a nipple rash, Brufred, Chatting & Messaging, Clark and Lois being lovey dovey, Drunken Shenanigans, Everyone At Bruces While The Bats Away, Humor, Martha plotting with Alfred, Multi, NewYear, Sex Talk, Shit goes down and everyone freaks out, injuries, slight crack, the fic noone asked for, xmas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-01-25 03:49:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 15,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12522312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelDrFerguson/pseuds/RebelDrFerguson
Summary: Let's all come together (not literally) but via Barry's new instant messaging app.Saving the world needs communication and Barry had just the idea on how to keep all his new friends in one place so he doesn’t look like a loner in his bedroom all the time.Welcome to the Official Batchat Justice League Channel or just Batchat for short because Bruce copyrighted the name in like ten minutes.





	1. Come together!

**Author's Note:**

> NOT A SERIOUS FIC. 
> 
> Not beta'd either so meh.
> 
> Throw me prompts and I'll add chapters!

CHAT NAMES: 

**Bruce: The Bat**

**Barry: AL.B.Flash**

**Diana: PrincessD**

**Alfred: The Eagle One**

**Clark: SuperKent**

**Lois: MrsKent**

**Martha: SupermansMom**

**Arthur: NotAPitchfork**

**Victor: MrMechanic**

**Jim: GCPD**

 

* * *

Email From  _ FlashAllen@gmail.com _

Hey, Everyone!

Hope you don’t mind, I sent you a link to my new computer programme I made, check it out.

****  
  


Download BAT-CHAT.exe 

* * *

**[Welcome to BAT CHAT]**

{ **The Bat** has logged in}

[ **AL.B.Flash** has added  **The Bat** to the  **Justice League Channel** ]

****  
  


**AL.B.Flash:** Hey Bruce! 

**The Bat:** This is a terrible idea

**Princess:** Why? I think it’s kind of cute we can all talk now

**The Bat:** We can’t talk on here it could get hacked!

**AL.B.Flash:** Lighten up Bruce it’s been well tested

**AL.B.Flash:** Anyway when only like 9 of us know bout the thing and u can only get the files 4rm me ur perfectly safe

**MrMechanic:** It’s safe Bruce, tested it myself

**The Bat:** Well good

**The Bat:** Wait nine?

**AL.B.Flash:** Well, Aqua hasn't joined yet or Alfred

**The Bat:** You invited Alfred into an instant messaging app?

**AL.B.Flash:** Yh, that a bad thing?

**The Bat:** No, this is fucking perfect hang on he’s probably upstairs I’ll fetch him

**PrincessD:** He probably doesn’t know what this is Barry

**AL.B.Flash:** Shit, didn’t think about that, I just kinda guessed with Alf being so techy he’d know about, u know what my mom can’t even use the DVD remote and she’s what 47 so...yh maybe inviting him was a bad idea

**MrMechanic:** He’s smarter than you think Barry

**The Bat:** Brought him down to the cave, he couldn’t figure out if it was a real email or a virus bless him

**PrincessD:** Well at least he thought about it, he is your chief of security

**AL.B.Flash:** Well he’s doing a good job!

**MrMechanic:** Have to admit I did wonder myself, had to text the runner to know

**AL.B.Flash:** Yeah I can understand, those spam emails are so annoying

**PrincessD:** Congrats a relative just died and you're owned 100 million dollars?

**The Bat:** LMAO yep, I just email back and say I make that in half a week so fuck off

**AL.B.Flash:** My dad lost his credit card details to guy on the phone calling about credit card insurance

**The Bat:** The fuck?

**PrincessD:** Even I’m not that stupid

[ **AL.B.Flash** has added  **The Eagle One** to the  **Justice League Channel** ]

****  
  


**{The Eagle One has logged in}**

**The Bat:** ALFRED!

**The Eagle One:** Hello

**PrincessD:** Hi Alfie

**MrMechanic:** sup Alfred

**AL.B.Flash:** Hey Alfred, did u log in ok?

**The Eagle One:** Fine, Thank you

**The Bat:** Every1 loves Alfred

**PrincessD:** Do they? Or just his cooking?

**The Eagle One:** Both?

**The Bat:** I’ll go with that

**Al.B.Flash:** Seconded

**The Eagle One:** Right if you don’t mind I’ll get back to cleaning Master Wayne’s Kitchen

**The Bat:** Hey no1 told me you needed the lid on!

**PrincessD:** What have you done now?

**The Bat:** Nothing!

**The Eagle One:** Tried to make a smoothie in the new blender without the lid on

**AL.B.Flash:** LOL

**The Bat:** It wasn’t that bad

**The Eagle One:** There are chunks of banana on the roof, sir! 

**AL.B.Flash:** I literally heard the sarcasm!

**MrMechanic:** Wow

**AL.B.Flash:** Is that the one I assembled for you?

**The Bat:** Yeah

**PrincessD:** Alfred, sorry, your nickname...seems familiar?

**The Eagle One:** Oh really...sorry I really must be going.

**{The Eagle One has logged out}**

**The Bat:** Well that wasn’t weird

**PrincessD:** Wasn’t it?

**The Bat:** No it was but I was saying - nevermind

**AL.B.Flash:** Army codename?

**The Bat:** I think so

**AL.B.Flash:** Oh yeah, Sups signed in!

**[AL.B.Flash** has added  **SuperKent** to the  **Justice League Channel** ]

 

**{SuperKent has logged in}**

**SuperKent:** Hey guys

**PrincessD:** Hey Clark

**MrMechanic:** Sup

**The Bat:** Hi

**AL.B.Flash:** How was the honeymoon, Clark?

**SuperKent:** It was great thanks, mom loved Venice.

**The Bat:** You went to Venice?

**SuperKent:** We did a full tour of Italy in 3 weeks

**MrMechanic:** Bet Perry was pissed

**SuperKent:** He still thinks I’m dead

**The Bat:** Oh. 

**AL.B.Flash:** Awkward

**SuperKent:** So is there something going on?

**AL.B.Flash:** Nope, just set this up just in case something does and we can all know :D

**The Bat:** Alfred just came in, I got work to do, Gotham never sleeps

**PrincessD:** Careful B

**The Bat:** Always am

**SuperKent:** Sure you don’t want help?

**The Bat:** It’s just typical nightlife Clark I can handle it

**AL.B.Flash:** Send pictures!

{ **The Bat** has logged out}

 


	2. Show offs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frogs in Gotham, Bruce selfies and my god Clark has a lot of chest hair. Alfred is loved by all, I kid you not.

**AL.B.Flash:** It’s been like three weeks…

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Have we ditched this already?

 

::

::

 

{ **The Bat** added the picture _Friday.jpeg_ }

 

**PrincessD:** Is that a frog onesie?

 

**The Bat:** Yep

 

**PrincessD:** The hell is with this city?

 

**The Bat:** They robbed the pet store for fish food

 

::

::

 

**The Eagle One:** Mr Stone if you're free tomorrow can you come help me with moving all these shells, Master Wayne over ordered again.

 

**Mr Mechanic:** Anything for u Alfred 

 

**The Eagle One:** I’ll have a look at that wiring again for you as well

 

**MrMechanic:** Thanks man

 

::

::

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Bruce can I come over my mom is trying to make me go outside?

 

**The Eagle One:** I’m afraid Master Wayne is in a meeting, but your welcome anytime Mr Allen 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Thanks Alfred!

 

**SuperKent:** Barry can I add Lois and my mom in here?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Sure!

 

::

::

 

[ **AL.B.Flash** added  **MrsKent** and  **SupermansMom** to the  **Justice League Channel** ] 

 

**MrsKent:** Hey babe

 

**SuperKent:** Hey love

 

**SupermansMom:** <3

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Sweet

 

{ **The Bat** added the picture _Gym1.jpeg_ }

 

**SupermansMom:** Hi Brucey, looking good!

 

**The Bat:** Hi Mrs Kent

 

**MrsKent:** lol that’s going to be confusing

 

**{Eagle One has logged in}**

 

**The Eagle One:** Master Wayne, phone call.

 

**The Bat:** Thanks Alfred

 

**SupermansMom:** Wait, you call him Master?

 

**The Eagle One:** Have done all his life

 

**SupermansMom:** You're British aren't you hun?

 

**The Eagle One:** That I am and proud of it

 

**SupermansMom:** Don’t they use Master to address children?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** LOL

 

**The Eagle One:** We do

 

**MrsKent:** So you're basically calling him a man child?

 

**SuperKent:** Does he even know that?

 

**The Eagle One:** Tech he is still Thomas’s son

 

**The Bat:** Great spot for me to come back, I'll defend Alfred here and say I prefer being called Master than Mister.

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Does sound cooler

 

**The Bat:** Does it really mean you're calling me a child Alfred?

 

**The Eagle One:** No, just that you're the younger. I’d never intentionally insult you. 

 

**The Bat:** Liar.

 

{ **The Bat** added the picture _ BodyBoom.Jpeg _ }

 

**The Eagle One:** Show off.

 

**The Bat:** Just jealous you don't still look this good Alf

 

**MrsKent:** I don’t think you show insult the man who makes your dinner hun

 

**The Bat:** I can cook

 

**The Eagle One:** The hell you can!

 

{ **SuperKent** added the picture  _ BetterThanYou.Jpeg _ }

 

**MrsKent:** *wolf whistles*

 

**PrincessD:** Not what I planned to see, while walking out of tescos! 

**The Bat:** Fucking hell Clark, shave once and while will ya, Lois might get lost in your chest!

 

**The Eagle One:** I’ve seen worse 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** That’s a story I don't want to hear

 

**The Bat:** I thought you loved Alf war stories, Barry?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** If it involves man on man action I’ll pass

 

**The Eagle One:** WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?

 

**The Bat:** LMAO

 

**SupermansMom:** Oh my

 

**MrsKent:** Don't offend Alfred, Barry he can kill you 32 different ways with his bare hands!

 

**The Eagle One:** That I can

 

**SuperKent:** Wow

 

**PrincessD:** I feel safer with Alfred already :)

 

**The Bat:** WTF, how did you know that, I thought only I knew that?!

 

**MrsKent:** I pulled his records from the Royal Marines, you should see it, Bruce, it’s insane

 

**The Eagle One:** Please don’t, he’ll get ideas

 

**MrsKent:** There’s even videos of you during the games they hold every year

 

{ **MrsKent** has added the video  _ Alfred3on1.wmp _ }

  
  


**AL.B.Flash:** WHOA young Alfred was LETHAL

 

**The Bat:** Got to admit Alfred that was cool 

 

**The Bat:** My butler is that cool bitches

 

**The Eagle One:** Oh, demoted again am I?

 

**The Bat:** Huh?

 

**The Eagle One:** Last week at the gala you introduced me to that lady you met as your Godfather now I’m your Butler again? Hm.

 

**{The Eagle One has logged out}**

 

**MrsKent:** Oh dear

 

**SupermansMom:** Bruce go and apologise right now!

 

**The Bat:** Wow I actually feel obliged to go and do that 

 

**SuperKent:** Her name is Martha you have too

 

**The Bat:** I’m going

 

**PrincessD:** If I come over there and find you upset Alfred I’ll kick you into the lake Bruce!

 

::

::

 

{ **The Bat** has added the picture  _ Alfie.Jpeg _ with the  **_#Daddy_ ** }

 

**The Bat:** Wow, now I think about it, that hashtag sounds wrong

 

**PrincessD:** God Alfred has such nice arms

 

**SupermansMom:** I love a man who can rock an apron

 

**SuperKent:** Want to tell us something, Bruce?

 

**The Bat:** No

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I JUST CLICKED ON THE HASHTAG AND GOOGLE TOOK ME TO HELL I THINK I NEED THERAPY

 

**The Bat:** Fuck

 

::

::

 

{ **The Eagle One** added the picture  _ WhyYouCallMeDaddy.Jpeg _ }

**PrincessD:** OH MY LORD

 

**SupermansMom:** WOW

**SuperKent:** Looking good for seventy Alfred

 

**The Eagle One:** I hve 42 scars, 5 tatoos an a six pack tsk thrt Master Wyge£

 

**SupermansMom:** Oh honey you're drunk

 

**The Eagle One:** He jus dell off a buijgin 

**The Eagle One:** scard m to sgit

 

**PrincessD:** Is he ok, screw that actually I’m coming over

 

**The Eagle One:** He’d fine 

**The Eagle One:** Brused

 

::

::

 

**The Bat:** I’m fine everybody thank you for the calls, Alfred is in bed, well my bed, yes he was drunk, it was my own fault and yes I agree I was not expecting to see he was still that fit. Good Night. 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Bruce you know the computer tells me who downloads those pictures right?

 

**The Bat:** No it doesn’t

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Ok


	3. Paper and hugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God these guys are just...digusting

**[WELCOME TO BAT-CHAT]**

 

**The Eagle One:** Who the hell just belched?

**The Eagle One:** I heard it all the way out by the woodshed!

 

**PrincessD:** That was Bruce!

 

**The Bat:** Clark!

 

**SuperKent:** It certainly wasn’t me, I’m at home!

 

**PrincessD:** Ew beer

 

 **AL.B.Flash:** I’m guessing it was Bruce, he said he could challenge Diana to a drinking contest

 

**MrMechanic:** Batman

 

**NotAPitchFork:** I'm sure that was you Bruce and I can’t even see you this far down in the lake!

 

**The Bat:** What are you doing in my lake?

 

**The Eagle One:** Disgusting Master Wayne, I raised you better than to do that in front of a woman.

 

**The Bat:** I drank it too fast, I’m sorry!

 

**The Eagle One:** Don’t apologise to me, you just made a fool of yourself in front of royalty!

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Been here all week mate

 

**The Bat:** Well that’s just a bit creepy

 

**The Eagle One:** The ground just shook!

 

**The Bat:** THAT was Diana

 

**MrMechainc:** I don't know Alfred, lil miss here ain't that royal because she just let one rip that I’m sure a woman her size shouldn’t be able to do

 

**PrincessD:** I’m so sorry, I couldn’t let him win

 

**The Eagle One:** Oh dear lord

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Why do I have college when you guys hang out, I’m missing all the fun

 

**The Eagle One:** I’m bloody glad you are not here Mr Allen, I don't want you picking up bad habits!

 

**The Bat:** God Alfred, dad much?

 

**The Eagle One:** At least I’m not going still stuck in some really outrageous emo phase

 

**MrMechanic:** LMAO

 

**The Bat:** OUCH

 

**PrincessD:** Wow, that was harsh for you Alfie

 

**The Eagle One:** I know, I’m sorry I don’t know why I said that

 

**AL.B.Flash:** You need a break, Alf, you're stressed, Bruce has been working you too hard 

 

**The Bat:** I told you to take the weekend off and go see your sister

 

**The Eagle One:** To hell with that, I leave you for ten minutes and you’ve started a belching contest Master Wayne, god forbid what would happen if I popped down to the shop for milk these days or visits the bank teller or actually take Jim’s offer and go for a pint in the pub

 

**The Eagle One:** I just dated myself with bank teller didn’t I? 

 

**The Bat:** Bank Teller? lol

 

**PrincessD:** What’s that?

 

**The Eagle One:** The man who stands at the bank counter

 

**PrincessD:** They have people on counters still?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** God Alfred.

  
  


::

::

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Alfred we need a bag

 

**MrMechanic:** A vacuum would be faster

 

**The Bat:** wow so much paper

 

**The Eagle One:** Why? What’s happened

 

**The Bat:** I tripped over the shredder in my office and it fell over

 

**AL.B.Flash:** There's tiny bits of paper everywhere 

 

**The Bat:** Might have broken my ankle

 

**MrMechanic:** It’s still floating around

 

**The Eagle one:** I’m coming up

 

::

::

 

**The Bat:** Does anyone have a need for a large black bin bag of paper shred? 

 

::

::

 

**PrincessD:** I’ll take it!

**PrincessD:** It’ll be good kindle for our wood fires

 

**::**

**::**

 

**The Eagle One:** Do I have shred in my hair?

 

**The Bat:** You do now :P

 

**AL.B.Flash:** What’s happening?

 

**PrincessD:** Bruce!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Are you still cleaning that up it's been like two days!

 

**PrincessD:** Bruce just threw a handful of paper shred at Alfred’s head across the room

 

**The Eagle One:** How old are you Master Wayne? 

 

**The Bat:** Shouldn’t have asked

 

**The Eagle One:** It’s nice to see you humouring yourself at least

 

**::**

**::**

  
  


{ **PrincessD** has added the picture _Cute.jpeg_ }

 

**AL.B.Flash:** AW baby batman!

 

**The Bat:** WTF

 

**MrMechanic:** Wow, how’d you go from that to Batman?

 

**The Bat:** Watch your parents get shot in an alleyway

 

**PrincessD:** I’m in the kitchen with Alfie and he found an old book of pictures while cleaning your office

 

{ **PrincessD** has added the picture  _ BathtimeBrucey.Jpeg} _

 

**The Bat:** NO

 

**AL.B.Flash:** WOW

 

**{MrsKent has logged in}**

 

**MrsKent:** Clark's mom says she senses baby pictures?

 

**PrincessD:** Where looking at Bruce’s baby pictures :D

 

**MrsKent:** Aw, what went wrong with you Bruce

 

**The Bat:** I literally just said watch your parents get killed in an alleyway!

 

**{SupermansMom has logged in}**

 

{ **PrincessD** has added the picture  _ BBFs.Jpeg _ }

 

**The Bat:** I’m good with that picture

 

**Al.B.Flash:** Hey look young Alfred again!

 

**SupermansMom:** Aw, you look so cute in tuxedo

 

**The Bat: T** hat was like my first tux, I was fourteen and Alfred had to take me to a charity dinner

 

**The Bat:** I didn't like the bow tie, kept pulling at it till Alfred threatened that we wouldn’t go for ice cream after if I took it off.

 

**PrincessD:**  Some of these are so sweet Bruce, god Alfred’s almost in tears

 

**The Bat:** Why?

 

**PrincessD:** He blames himself for not stopping your dad making you go out that night

 

**The Bat:** WTF there was nothing he could have done!

 

**PrincessD:** Tell him that 

 

{ **PrincessD** has added the picture  _ fortyyears.jpg _ }

 

**The Bat:** Shit.

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Fucking hell!

 

**SupermansMom:** Oh honey you were tiny

 

**The Bat:** I’ve never seen that one

 

**MrMechianic:** He’s been with you since you were born?!

 

**MrsKent:** Look up loyalty in the dictionary and you’ll see Alfred 

 

**SupermasMom:** No kidding!

 

**The Bat:** Yeah…he has.

 

**PrincessD:** Bruce I think Alfred needs a bat-hug 

 

**The Bat:** I think I need a bat-hug

 

::

::

 

{ **PrincessD** has added the photo  _ BatHug.jpg _ }

 

**SupermansMom:** Wow, this is one of these things you don't realise you need to see until you’ve seen it

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Batman hugging his butler is something everyone should see tbh. 

 

**PrincessD:** He’s more a bat-bear, but don’t tell him I said that :P 


	4. Break Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SHIT GOING DOWN and Alfred has been outed.

**[WELCOME TO BAT-CHAT]**

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Thanks for the new waterproof phone Bruce!

 

**The Bat:** Glad it works

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Why did he need a new phone? 

 

**The Bat:** Last one got eaten by a shark

 

::

::

 

{ **The Eagle One** has sent out a  **_GROUP ALERT_ ** to  **The Bat** and 6 others}

 

**The Eagle One:** BREAKOUT AT ARKHAM

 

::

::

 

**The Bat:** SHIT SHIT SHIT

 

**PrincessD:** Anyone seen my sword?!

 

::

 

**The Bat:** Note to self: BRING MORE BAT-A-RANGS

 

::

 

**The Eagle One:** 22 dead, 139 injured

 

**The Eagle One:** Someone get to Gotham Bank, Joker and Harley sighted!

 

**The Bat:** Why do they have to have a mass fight on a Sunday night!!

**NotAPitchFork:** Sorry I’m too far away to help

 

::

::

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I’m trapped in the lower cell block!! HELP

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Also where the fuck is SUPERMAN?

 

::

::

 

**SuperKent:** I got Flash, where are you Diana?

 

**PrincessD:** Trying to get rid of this masked fat guy

 

**The Bat** : His name is BANE

 

**SuperKent:** On my way over, I’ll drop mom with Alfred

 

**MrsKent:** Alfred, can you send Cyborg new coordinates he’s finished at The Bank, Joker and Harley got away I’m afraid

 

**The Bat:** Jesus fuck

 

**The Eagle One:** Coordinates sent

 

**The Eagle One:** At least this time it isn’t aliens

 

**SupermansMom:** Thank the lord for that blessing at least, Coffee Alf?

 

**The Eagle One:** Please, going to be a long night

 

::

::

 

**The Eagle One:** 54 Dead, 358 injured 

 

**The Bat:** We got 15 of the escaped including Joker but Harley is still missing

 

**PrincessD:** Clark’s doing a sweep of downtown, Flash can you take the main street and I’ll check the harbour

 

::

::

 

**The Eagle One:** DINNER TIME

 

**The Bat:** Everyone back to the cave for food!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** WHOOP

 

**SuperKent:** Mom did you make pie? I can smell it from here!

 

**SuperMom:** We did indeed sweetie

 

**MrsKent:** In a taxi on my way over

 

**MrMechanic:** I’m good - I see ya later, I’ll see if I can find the Jokers girlfriends on my way home

  
  


::

::

 

**MrMechanic:** Alfred my arms not working right, I think I got a chunk of bone stuck in it from that dude’s face the other night

 

**The Eagle One:** Come over, I’ll get my pilers

 

::

::

 

{ **PrincessD** has added the photo  _ cutebutt.jpg _ }

 

**SupermansMom:** wow, pert. 

 

**The Bat:** WTF Diana were u spying?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** LMAO, Batman has a cute ass

 

**The Eagle One:** I could have told you that

 

**The Bat:** Not helping Alfred

 

**SuperKent:** I swear Bruce is fucking his Butler

 

**The Bat:** AM NOT

 

**SuperKent:** Okay, you're getting fucked by your butler?

 

**SupermansMom:** Clark, how much of that pie did you eat you're being rude again!

 

**MrsKent:** Sorry he gets rude when he’s high on pie

 

**The Bat:** He gets HIGH off pie? Wow

 

**PrincessD:** BTW, I found out why I recognised Alfred's’ name

 

**The Bat:** Oh?

 

**The Eagle One:** Oh no

 

**PrincessD:** Remember I told you Bruce about that weird masked guy that took out my casino owner in Dubai?

 

**MrsKent:** Yeah, you showed me the article

 

**The Bat:** Yeah I do why?

 

**PrincessD:** It was Alfred

 

**PrincessD:** His code name with the SAS was Eagle and the guy I’ve been looking for since about 1974 and that day that drugs boss who was not my target but got killed the day I was out in Mexico, was killed by Alfred from a tower block over 3000 feet away.

 

**The Bat:** Alfred?

 

**{The Eagle One has logged out}**

 

**The Bat:** Get back here!

 

**{The Bat has logged out}**

::

::

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Wow, who’d have guessed Alfred was a masked vigilante

 

**MrsKent:** I don’t know about the vigilante part but he’s pulled some really big kills

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Maybe he was behind the JFK?

 

**PrincessD:** I doubt it, he wasn't in the country then

 

**The Bat:** It took a good bottle of whiskey but he’s admitted he was your guy. I asked him if I could see the mask but he was too drunk to tell me then…

 

**The Bat:** I've been searching the cave since

 

**The Eagle One:** Good luck with that, you might know about my dirty work but the day I get ‘him’ out again will be the day I die 

 

**The Eagle One:** Also, your due to pay for the damage to that ship you drove into on the harbour Master Wayne, the owner said he’ll take a cheque. 

 

**PrincessD:** I can still see it, the glowing red eyes have haunted me since I saw you in that hallway

 

**The Eagle One:** Was that you? I don’t recall that day to be honest but I know someone had been chasing me up the stairs. You're lucky I didn’t shoot. 

 

**PrincessD:** You know it now all fits in place, the voice changer in Bruce’s masks always sounded familiar and the cowl and the whole knowing building x rays and heat vision you use...I should have guessed this sooner. 

 

**The Eagle One:** I’ve not been found for 36 years

 

**The Bat:** And your outed by an Amazonian

 

**The Eagle One:** I don’t mind, to be honest, but I must say Mrs Kent this must say out of the papers.

 

**MrsKent:** Of course, I’m still running on that article about how Bruce came to open that new library for us. 

 

**PrincessD:** I might have outed Alfred to us Bruce but god knows what it’s going to take to get you out of that closet

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Clark and me have betting pool D, join me in private!

 

**{AL.B.Flash has moved Channels}**

 

**The Bat:** I’m not in the closet? I’m in the cave 

 

::

::

 

{ **MrsKent** has added the photo  _ BatmanSucks.jpg _ }

 

**MrsKent:** That was clearly Clark's hand!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Are you in Hawaii? 

 

{ **The Bat** has added the photo  _ SupermanSucks.jpg _ }

 

**PrincessD:** Bruce even though you're wearing pants that’s still a dick pic

 

{ **The Eagle One** has added the photo  _ Bruce?.jpg _ }

 

**The Bat:** There not mine!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Wow me and Batman have the same Superman boxers

 

**The Bat:** There my cousins

 

**The Eagle One:** I don't think your cousin Janet wears men’s boxers, sir 

 

**The Eagle One:** and she hasn’t been here since she was four.

 

{ **MrMechanic** has added the photo  _ CwithTheB.jpg _ }

 

**PrincessD:** they make Batman logo Tshirts?

 

**The Bat:** Who’s merchandising me?! 

 

**MrMechanic:** Some dude in a van, saw him when I was looking for Harley

 

**The Eagle One:** Oh my, you’ve gain T-shirt fame, congratulations 

 

**That Bat:** Ok, THAT was definitely sarcasm 

 

::

::

 

[ **AL.B.Flash** has added  **GCPD** to the  **Justice League Channel]**

 

**GCPD:** Just wanted to say well done on that prison break out. I expected a bigger death toll. 

 

**The Bat:** Cheers Jim

  
**GCPD:** Just make sure you find Harley before the Joker get’s lonely 


	5. Protect Alfred 2k17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred has a lady friend, Bruce has three inches of wood in his pants and well, this team is just a mess tbh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CRACK

 

 

* * *

**[WELCOME TO BAT-CHAT]**

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Bruce did you know Alfred had a lady friend? 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** God, she’s really into him

 

::

::

 

{ **AL.B.Flash** added the photo  _ whatdoesthismean?.jpg _ }

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Alfred’s making this face at me and I don't get what it means?

 

**PrincessD:** Alfred doesn’t look too comfortable

 

**The Bat:** Oh Jesus is Margret back from Spain...bitch

 

**The Bat:** It means DISTRACT HER

 

**The Bat:** He took her for dinner one time and now she thinks he’s her boyfriend

 

**AL.B.Flash:** She just called him Alfie in the most disgustingly affectionate way 

 

**PrincessD:** That’s hilarious. 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** She’s trying to make him go jogging LMAO

 

**The Bat:** He can’t!

 

**PrincessD:** Why?

 

**The Bat:** I’m about to ring, there’s an issue at the headquarters and I need him 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Is there really or is this just a plot to save Alfred from a grey-haired woman who’s wearing way too much white musk perfume and is currently so close to him, I think he wants to be sick…

 

**The Bat:** It’s a plot, now hurry, we don't have much time.

 

::

::

 

**The Eagle One:** This lipstick will never come out of my shirt!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** She was weird

 

**The Eagle One:** Are you sure you're okay out there in the car Mr Allen?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I’m good, I’m watching the TV

 

**The Eagle One:** Fair enough.

 

::

::

 

**SuperKent:** So Bruce I here Alfred has a lady friend?

 

**The Bat:** Fuck off

 

**SuperKent:** Your so gay for him

 

**The Bat:** the fuck is your problem

 

**SuperKent:** I don’t have a problem, it’s you that has the problem you can’t admit your gay

 

**The Bat:** I’m not gay!

 

**PrincessD:** You do know Bat’s have the highest homosexual rates than in any other mammal right? 

 

**The Bat:** WTH

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I thought you were a team player Bruce, get with the crowd!

 

**The Bat:** Fuck all of you

 

**SuperKent:** Don't you mean fuck Alfred?

 

::

::

 

**The Eagle One:** She’s back!

 

**The Bat:** Who?

 

**The Eagle One:** Maggie!

 

**The Bat:** OH FFS

 

**The Eagle One:** I’m hiding in the cave, don’t tell her I’m here she wants to take me to that spa in NY!

 

**The Bat:** Don’t worry, I’ll scare her off

 

**The Eagle One:** If she calls the police yelling about a giant bat you’ll regret it! 

 

**The Bat:** I can scare an old woman off without my suit Alfred

 

::

::

 

**PrincessD:** I just ran into that Maggie...she think’s I was your ex-girlfriend Bruce?

 

**The Bat:** Why would she think that?

 

**The Eagle One:** Because I might have accidentally hinted you were dating to make conversation

 

**The Bat:** ALFRED!

 

**The Eagle One:** Wait how did you get rid of her?

 

**The Bat:** I told the women you were gay, that’s why she’d never got anywhere with you

 

**The Eagle One:** WHAT?!

 

**PrincessD:** She said you were dating Alfred, Bruce?

 

**The Bat:** I never said that! I just said he was gay not that I was…

 

**PrincessD:** Yes, but apparently it was obvious from your conversation you were his protective boyfriend

 

**{The Bat has logged out}**

 

**The Eagle One:** Good lord

 

::

::

 

**AL.B.Flash:** FUCKING MARBLES AGAIN!

 

**MrMechanic:** That was hilarious!

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Glass balls beats lighting

 

**The Eagle One:** Well, I guess that’s one way to slow you down huh?

 

::

 

**The Bat:** I think I got a splinter in my cock from sliding down that pole!

 

**SuperKent:** Why don't you get Alfred to help you jerk it out?

 

**The Eagle One:** Clark don’t make me call your mother!

 

::

 

**PrincessD:** That’s bitch took a chunk out of my hair!

 

**The Bat:** That bitch is called Harley Quinn

 

**MrMechanic:** I still got one of your fucking Bat boomerwhatevers in my back Bruce!

 

**The Eagle One:** His aim is pretty shit at times

 

::

 

**The Bat:** BATARANGS, why do I keep running out of Batarangs!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I think I broke my ankle!

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Erm, Flash is actually bleeding guys

 

**PrincessD:** RIGHT SOMEONE DIES

 

**The Bat:** Feel free, I’ll take Barry back to Alfred because this splitter's giving me hell

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Is it illegal to drown kittens?

 

**PrincessD:** YES

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Darn it

 

::

 

**The Bat:** I had like three inches of wood in my pants!

 

**PrincessD:** I knew you were stuffing your suit Bruce

 

**The Bat:** I meant the splitter!

 

**SuperKent:** No you didn’t

 

**AL.B.Flash:** The bandages itch!

 

**MrMechanic:** Remind me to batarang proof myself or I’ll lose my good eye next time!

 

::

 

**GCPD:** I’ve never seen Miss Quinn cause such a mess

 

**The Eagle One:** This team is a mess if you ask me! 

 

**MrsKent:** Your boyfriend’s a mess

 

**The Eagle One:** Mr Kent I know for a fact that is you because Lois can only use this from her laptop and she’s currently out in town! 

  
**MrsKent:** Please don’t tell my mom


	6. You make my heart go BOOM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce is hiding, Alfred's had enough, Why did Diana think Bruce could handle that much booze and Its NOV 5th BITCHES!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure Clarks out of character in this one but he'll come back to himself, he died and is still a bit pissy.
> 
> Reference to the batman lego movie too.

**[WELCOME TO BAT CHAT]**

  
  


**The Bat:** Help, Alfred I can’t get into the batcomputer

 

**The Eagle One:** I know

 

**The Bat:** I’m yelling and pressing buttons but it’s not responding

 

**The Bat:** Says someone changed the password 

 

**The Eagle One:** I did, the parental lock is on

 

**The Bat:** Why do we have a parental lock on the batcomputer?!

 

**PrincessD:** Where staging an intervention Bruce, you’ve been obsessed with Catwoman's movements for the past week and not stepped a foot outside 

 

**The Eagle One:** Master Wayne, you’ve barely eaten anything past protein bars and milk, you’ve not showered in three days and god forbid if I find one more bottle of piss in that cave, you’ll be locked out if it!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Anyone would think your trying to avoid something, Bruce

 

**SuperKent:** He’s trying to avoid coming out the closet! 

 

**The Eagle One:** I’ve been reading, ‘How to set limits for your out of control child’ 

 

**MrsKent:** You need to come upstairs and talk this out

 

**The Bat:** I’m forty years old Alfred!

 

**The Bat:** Nevermind I have password that breaks the parental control

 

**The Eagle One:** You mean ALFREDDABUTTLER...with two T’s? 

 

**SuperKent:** LMAO

 

**AL.B.Flash:** PFFFT!

 

**The Bat:** Aw, come on I set that when I was like eighteen and drunk.

 

**PrincessD:** Forty years old my ass

 

**The Bat:** Is very nice

 

**SuperKent:** Stop trying to flirt with women

 

**The Bat:** Fuck you

 

**The Eagle One:** Come upstairs now

 

**The Bat:** No

 

**The Eagle One:** Bruce

 

**SupermansMom:** Me and Alf baked cookies?

 

**The Bat:** FINE

 

**The Bat:** but only for the cookies

 

::

::

  
  


{ **The Eagle One** changed there name to  **Alfreddabuttler** }

 

**PrincessD:** BRUCE!

 

**The Bat:** HA!

 

**PrincessD:** He’s going to kill you!

 

**The Bat:** How, I’m batman?

 

**PrincessD:** How much of my ice tea did you drink? 

 

**The Bat:** two

 

**PrincessD:** Glasses?! Fuck Bruce just one goes to my head!

 

{ **SupermansMom** has logged in}

 

**SupermansMom:** Brucey, why are you playing music that loudly in the cave?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Alfred, Bruce is drunk as F!

 

**MrMechanic:** Are you playing steel panther on a Gibson??

 

{ **Alfreddabuttler** has logged in} 

 

**Alfreddabuttler:** Who changed my name?!

 

**AL.BFlash:** Bruce 

 

**PrincessD:** that was Bruce

 

**Alfreddabuttler:** Shit, the last time he got this drunk he was having a breakdown over Ra Ghul!

 

**SupermansMom:** I’ll fetch paper towels

 

**SuperKent:** Why?

 

**MrMechanic:** Bruce just threw up on the cave floor

 

**AL.B.Flash:** IS THAT BLOOD?!

 

**PrincessD:** WHAT?

 

**SuperKent:** Fucking Hell, I’ve never seen Alfred run that fast!

 

**PrincessD:** What's he had?

 

**SuperKent:** He down a bloody mary before you gave him your ice tea

 

**SupermansMom:** I can confirm it’s not blood

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Thank god

 

**Alfreddabuttler:** Can someone please bring me water down from the kitchen?

 

**MrsKent:** On it! 

 

::

::

 

**The Bat:** I just want to make a public bat-chat apology to everyone especially Alfred after my drinking last night caused the death of two expensive vases, my guitar, several rolls of paper towels, Kent’s mother’s blouse and my heterosexuality. 

 

**SuperKent:** You called me a flying Jerk

 

**The Bat:** I meant that

 

**PrincessD:** Well, at least you're okay

 

**SupermansMom:** I never really liked that blouse anyway honey

 

**Alfreddabuttler:** Would you awfully mind changing my name back, please?

 

**The Bat:** Oh fuck I’m sorry I forgot I did that

 

**AL.B.Flash:** No One gonna mention Bruce just came the fuck out!

 

{ **Alfreddabuttler** changed his name to  **SexyButler** }

 

**SexyButler:** Bruce?

 

{ **The Bat** changed his name to  **ILoveAlfred** }

 

**SexyButler:** Oh my

 

**SuperKent:** What week is it?!

 

**MrsKent:** Shit! I’m two days out!

 

**SupermansMom:** Aw, this is sweet

 

**PrincessD:** NOOOO, couldn’t you have waited till Christmas damn it! 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Kent’s won

 

**SuperKent:** you all owe me 500 mortals!

 

**PrincessD:** EXCUSE ME!

 

**MrsKent:** Oh Clark babe you just fucked yourself there

 

**SuperKent:** Fuck I take it back, I take it back!

 

{ **AL.B.Flash** has added the photo  _ whyisnoonelookingatthesetwo?.jpg _ }

 

**SupermansMom:** Everyone stop fighting and look at Alfred and Brucey having a cuddle!

 

**PrincessD:** AW

 

**SuperKent:** You all know he’s old enough to be his dad right?

 

**MrsKent:** Clark, shut the fuck up and enjoy it or I’m taking your winnings and buying shoes with it babe

 

**PrincessD:** I’m going to kick your ass after dinner

 

**SuperKent:** Why not now?

 

**PrincessD:** Because it’s Alfred’s cooking and he's made chocolate cake so you can fucking wait in line Mr Alien

 

::

::

 

{ **ILoveAlfred** changed his name to  **The Bat}**

{ **SexyButler** changed his name to  **TheBatsBF** }

  
  


{ **TheBatsBF** has added the picture  _ Bonfire.jpg _ }

 

**The Bat:** It was good night!

 

**PrincessD:** Thank you for the invite

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Those fireworks were sick af Bruce!

 

**SuperKent:** How much did they cost? Also I think I’m addicted to parkin now, thanks Alfred. 

 

**MrsKent:** They were beautiful!

 

**The Bat:** The pack was about $1000

 

**TheBatsBF:** We need to have nights like that more often, I don’t think I’ve ever spent a Guy Fawkes night with you Bruce.

**The Bat:** We are so doing that every year, half of Gotham can sit on the hill overlooking the manor to watch! 

 

**TheBatsBF:** Finally you can enjoy another holiday apart from Christmas

 

{ **PrincessD** has added the photo  _ Priceless.jpg _ }

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Omg, I look like I'm ten

 

**NotAPitchFork:** I’ve never seen fireworks, so I can accept looking that surprised

 

**MrMechanic:** They were some of the best I’ve ever seen!

 

{ **MrsKent** has added the photo  _ sneaky.jpg _ }

 

**MrsKent:** You were all so focused you didn’t see Bruce kissing Alf in the dark

 

**PrincessD:** Awwww now that’s sweet

 

**SuperKent:** Thanks for that by the way I’m now like $1500 richer

 

**TheBatsBF:** I know a bakery that delivers parkin, Clark.

 

**SuperKent:** I  <3 Alfred

  
**The Bat:** HANDS OFF


	7. Poor Barry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce is bored and challenges Barry to eat sandwiches...sadly the kid doesn't realise his body actually has a limit eating so much in such a short time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crack...everything will work out, don't panic, I just felt like adding DRAMA and I couldn't resist parental style, Alfie. Tbh, Barry could have probably handled that many sandwiches but I doubt in under an hour.

**[WELCOME TO BAT-CHAT]**

 

**The Bat:** Barry I bet you can’t eat 5 12inch subways in under fifteen minutes!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I can if you're paying

 

**The Bat:** seriously? 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Sure, get me 5 subclubs with extra cheese and I’ll do it. 

 

**The Bat:** That’s about 1700 calories in one sitting according to this menu 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I’ll burn that off in two hours. 

 

**The Bat:** No way

 

**AL.B.Flash:** try me, I’m at college and I’m hungry, it’s almost lunch so hurry up because some soggy tuna sandwich from the cafeteria ain't going to help me out :( 

 

::

::

 

_ { _ **The Bat** has added the photo _ snackhole.jpg} _

 

**SuperKent:** Wow, how many has he eaten?

 

**The Bat:** I brought him 5 from the shop and he was still hungry! I’m down thirty dollars

 

**The Bat:** He just ate 3 more!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Thanks 4 Lunch Bruce :D

 

**The Bat:** :/

 

**MrsKent:** Did that kid seriously just eat over 2000 calories in subway sandwiches?

 

**The Bat:** Yep in less than an hour as well.

 

**SuperKent:** He’s going to be sick! 

 

**The Bat:** Hmmm.

  
  


::

::

 

**TheBatsBF:** Master Wayne?

 

**The Bat:** Bruce isn't here right now, please leave a message after the beep.

 

**The Bat:** BEEP

 

**TheBatsBF:** BRUCE! Why has Barry’s mother just phoned me to say her son has just been picked up from college for having thrown up down himself because you made him eat eight subway sandwiches!!!

 

**SuperKent:** Poor Kid

**The Bat:** I didn't make him eat them….It was a dare

 

**TheBatsBF:** How on earth is shoving food down the kid a good idea?!

 

**The Bat:** Well, you know Barry...he’s a snack hole, I just wanted to see how much he could eat because the meeting was boring so I took him lunch I got him 5 subs as he asked and then he ate the others I bought because he was still hungry.

 

**TheBatsBF:** Bruce, he’s called a ‘snack hole’ as you so put it, because he needs to snack...not BINGE! The boy doesn’t have a blood sugar limit to his eating the way his body burns the calories he needs to eat in small doses throughout 24 hours not over half his daily allowance in under an HOUR! 

 

**{The Bat has logged out}**

 

**TheBatBF:** DON'T YOU RUN AWAY FROM ME YOUNG MAN!!

 

**{The BatsBF has logged out}**

 

**MrsKent:** Wow, Alfred is steamed, subway sounds good right about now...

 

**SuperKent:** Oh, I’m flying over there I need to watch this :D

 

**MrsKent:** Bring me back a subway please

 

**SuperKent:** Chicken and bacon ranch on hearty Italian?

 

**MrsKent:** and extra tomato xx

  
  


::

::

 

{ **TheBatsBF** has changed his name to  **NotYourBF** }

 

**The Bat:** ALFRED NOOOO :(

 

**MrsKent:** Oh dear

 

**MissPrince:** What have I missed I was out of town for three days?

 

**SuperKent:** HA

 

**NotAPitchFork:** I heard Barry was ill and something to do with Bruce and 8 subways, whatever that is?

 

**The Bat** : Alfred I’m sorry I swear, I promise I won't tease Barry again

 

**NotYourBF:** It's not just Mr Allen

 

**The Bat:** Alright, I’ll start picking up my socks

 

**NotYourBF:** YOUR MISSING THE POINT

 

**The Bat:** Was this about that stripper at the bar?

 

**NotYourBF:** What stripper?!

 

**MissPrince:** Oh god Bruce you're digging yourself a grave

 

**NotAPitchFork:** I’m outta here!

 

[ **NotAPitchFork** has logged out]

 

**NotYourBF:** Never mind, I don’t why I bother

 

**{NotYourBF has logged out}**

 

**The Bat:**  :’(

 

**MissPrince:** what the hell have you done?

 

**{AL.B.Flash has logged in}**

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Bruce why has Alfred changed his name to not your Bf?

 

**The Bat:** I-he was mad at me for making you ill

 

**AL.B.Flash:** shit, well, you know it only lasted like a day I was fine, I’m fine now, I learnt my lesson not to take food dares…

 

**MissPrince:** But he said that you missed the point Bruce what else have you done to upset Alfred?

 

**SuperKent:** My mom says she’ll come over there if you don't fix it in the next few hours Bruce…

 

**The Bat:** I broke a plate...erm, the batmobile needs repairs again

 

**SuperKent:** *tut*

 

**The Bat:** DON'T YOU TUT AT ME YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BUST IT UP LAST TIME! 

 

**SuperKent:** I was tutting at the plate

 

**The Bat:** Fuck off

 

**MissPrince:** Go ask him why he's mad 

 

**The Bat:** He’ll just ignore me though

 

**MissPrince:** Well you should have thought of that before you were childish enough to dare Barry!

 

**The Bat:** Urgh Mom much

 

**MissPrince:** WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY

 

**{TheBat has logged out}**

  
  


::

::

 

**NotYourBF:** Right...so Mr Allen would you mind telling Master Wayne why you were at college that day?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I was taking an exam…

 

**NotYourBF:** And what time was the exam?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** 1o’clock

 

**The Bat:** Wait, you left my car at like three minutes too?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Yeah, you were parked like one hall away

 

**The Bat:** Oh

 

**MissPrince:** So...what’s the problem Alfred?

 

**NotYourBF:** Mr Allen where were you when you were sick?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Half way through the test :(

 

**The Bat:** shit

 

**NotYourBF:** Exactly. Mr Allen had to leave an important examination for his FINAL year because of your little ‘dare’

 

**The Bat:** Can’t he re take it?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Yeah, but in like another month when they do the resits.

 

**NotYourBF:** Mr Allen do you know how much it costs for those examinations? 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Erm, no?

 

**NotYourBF:** According to your mother, it cost her $200 for the three you had to take and now she must repay another $80 for a resit. 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Crap that’s half of what the course cost to start with!

 

**NotYourBF:**  and half of my point. 

 

**The Bat:** I’ll pay it! I’ll pay his mom back Alfie I swear, I’ll even give him money to get new clothes!

 

**NotYourBF:** That’s not it…

 

**The Bat:** Huh?

 

**MissPrince:** Wow, why does American education cost so damn much?

 

**NotYourBF:** Barry, where did you end up?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** The hospital :/

 

**The Bat:** FUCK

 

**NotYourBF:** They had to pump his stomach after he began coughing up blood, you gave him an ulcer which I know will heal faster than an average human but it also means he needs to take gastric tablets now every time he eats a proper meal...he ate enough food to rupture his stomach.

 

**MissPrince:** OH MY GOD, you could killed him!!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Guys, I’m fine!

**The Bat:** I’ll pay the bills Alfie I swear, I’m not going to do it again :(

 

**NotYourBF:** I’m not mad about the $3000 dollars worth of hospital bills, I’m mad because you almost KILLED ANOTHER ONE BRUCE BECAUSE OF YOUR DAMN EGO.

 

**{NotYourBF has logged out}**

 

**SuperKent:**  Wait...what does he mean by another one?

 

**MissPrince:** Oh Bruce

 

**The Bat:**  :’( 

 

**{The Bat has logged out}**

 

**SuperKent:** I’m punching Bruce the next time I see him. 

 

**MissPrince:** Why?

 

**SuperKent:** I just told my mom what Alfred said and she’s crying!!

 

**MrsKent:** I also want to know what Alfred ment by another one but tbh I think it’s best not to ask considering the fact ‘robin’ isn’t here…

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Jason died…not sure how though.

 

**AL.B.Flash:** But the blame is on me too I took the challenge!

 

**MissPrince:** But did you know that was going to happen?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** No...I just thought I could eat like supes?

  
**SuperKent:** No one can eat as much as I can Barry, please don't try that again. 


	8. Christmas Spirit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flash gets Flashy, Clark and Lois are getting it together and Bruce well, I think Alfred's Christmas just came 24 days early!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is crack...like for serious CRACK. Contains dirty picture.

**[WELCOME TO BAT -CHAT]**

 

[ **AL.B.Flash** has added the photo  _ XMASTIME.jpg _ ]

  
  


**MissPrince:** OMG LOL

 

**SuperKent:** Fairy lights?

 

**MrMechanic:** It’s like Dec 1st bro!

 

**The Bat:** I just snorted coffee all over the batcomputer!

 

**NotAPitchFork:** WTF is with this kid?!

 

**MrsKent:** HaHa

 

**NotYourBF:** You better not have Master Wayne!

 

**The Bat:** I can’t help it he looks like he got raped by a Christmas tree!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** That’s what my sister just said!

 

**SuperKent:** How are you making them work without them being plugged in?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** …

 

**NotYourBF** :...

 

**MrsKent:** Clark even your not that dumb

 

**The Bat:** There plugged up his butt

 

**SupermansMom:** Who’s? What, I’ll have no plugging up anyone's butt thank you very much!

 

**SuperKent:** LMAO

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I control electricity bro

 

**SuperKent:** I forgot, I’m sorry 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** A five min run and these babies flash for a whole day!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I have the rechargeable battery in my suit. 

 

**The Bat:** You're looking very flashy flash

 

**MissPrince:** He looks precious

 

**MissPrince:** I so should have not just shown my mother that picture she thinks we're being invaded again!

 

**NotYourBF:** Say hi to her from me please. 

 

**The Bat:** WHY?!

 

**NotYourBF:** Oh I can’t say Hi to Queen Hippolyta now can I? 

 

**The Bat:** Yes but…

 

**SuperKent:** Jealous much?

 

**The Bat:** Fuck you Kent

 

**SupermansMom:** No ‘that’ to my baby please

 

**MrsKent:** Whoops O.O

 

**SuperKent:** MOM!!

 

**The Bat:** LOL supes getting Mom’d

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Thanks for the mince pies Alfred, Mera loved them.

 

**NotYourBF:** Your Welcome Arthur.

 

**The Bat:** grrrrr

 

**NotAPitchFork:** The fuck you just growl at me bat boy

 

**The Bat:** BAT BOY?!

 

**MissPrince:** CHILL BRUCE

 

**MrsKent:** I think someone’s emotional constipation is moving

 

**AL.B.Flash:** EW

 

**SuperKent:** Didn't need to know that

 

**NotYourBF:** I’m glad I can at least invoke ‘movement’ Bruce, your dinner’s ready 

  
  


::

::

 

{ **The Bat** has added the photo  _ UnwrapMe.jpg _ }

 

 

**[The Bat** has sent the photo to **NotYourBF]**

 

**SuperKent:** FUCK BRUCE

 

**MissPrince:** MY EYES

 

**AL.B.Flash:** MY JEWISH SWEET BOY INNOCENCE

 

**SupermansMom:** *wolf whistles*

 

**SuperKent:** MOM!!

 

**MrMechanic:** I need to clean my system core drive now thanks to you!

 

**NotAPitchFork:** I look better

 

**MrsKent:** OH MY LORD

 

**SuperKent:** LOIS DON'T LOOK

 

**[GCPD has logged in]**

 

**GCPD:** Alf, have you that report from last month's heist Bruce helped us with?

 

**GCPD:** OH WHAT SWEET HELL IS THAT

 

**GCPD:** Bruce?

 

**The Bat:** Hi, Jim

 

**GCPD:** Nice, to er see you’ve all grown up

 

**The Bat:** this is now awkward 

 

**[GCPD has logged out]**

 

**NotYourBF:** Yes I have it here Jim,

 

**NotYourBF:** Oh he’s gone

 

**The Bat:** so?

 

**NotYourBF:** So what?

 

**SuperKent:** Scroll up Alfie

 

**NotYourBF:** Okay?

 

**MissPrince:** This is guna be good

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I need therapy again

 

**The Bat:** Oh fuck he just walked in my room

 

**The Bat:** He’s just staring at me

 

**The Bat:** He just asked if this is legal!

 

**SuperKent:** LOL

 

**The Bat:** Sorry we can’t come to the phone right now because Alfred has to rip the ribbon off me and my bed is calling.

 

[ **The Bat** has changed his status to  **BUSY** ]

 

[ **NotYourBF** has changed his status to  **DO NOT DISTURB** ]

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I need my mommy

 

**MrsKent:** Clark…

 

**SuperKent:** Waaaay ahead of you love ;)

 

**MissPrince:** Now I regret being single again. Where'd I leave the red wine?

  
  


**[The Bat** changed his bio to  _ Let it Snow! _ ]

 

{ **NotYourBF** has changed his name to **BatButtler** }

 

**BatButtler:** Very Mature

 

**The Bat:** hehehe. 

 

{ **SuperKent** has changed his bio to  _ Tis The Xmas To Be Horny _ }

 

**SupermansMom:** I didn’t need to read that!

 

**MrsKent:** That was me...sorry. 

 

**SupermansMom:** I’m expecting grandbabies for Christmas Clark!

 

**MrMechanic:** I need to wipe my memory now too

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Can you do mine please?!


	9. Happy New Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's New Year's Eve and the gang are ready for another spectacular Alfred dinner...whoops, well done Alfie, you jinxed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING...crack, don't fall in.

**[WELCOME TO BAT-CHAT]**

 

{ **BatButtler** has logged in}

 

**BatButtler:** Reminder New’s Year Eve Dinner tomorrow at seven if anyone would like to join me and Bruce.

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Ou, I’ll come…

 

{ **MissPrince** changed her name to  **TheBigD** }

 

**The Bat:** HA!

 

**BatButtler:** Master Wayne will you please get off the brandy it’s not even 6 o'clock!

 

**The Bat:** Well she shouldn’t leave her login details on the bat computer!

**BatButtler:** Get out of the cave you promised me no patrol until the 3rd! 

 

**The Bat:** Fine, I’m coming back up...but only if I can have steak for dinner! 

 

**BatButtler:** Why am I dating someone so immature?

 

**The Bat:** I don’t know you just bring out my stupid side I guess.

 

**BatButtler:** Well, at least it’s better than your brooding side.

  
  


::

::

 

{ **TheBigD** logged in}

 

**TheBigD:** Alfred, I’ll RSVP for that dinner tonight, please!

 

**TheBigD:** Also Bruce you're a total asshole

 

**BatButtler:** Miss Prince!

 

**TheBigD:** I’m sorry Alfred but your BF just…is an ass.

 

**BatButtler:** Just like his father

 

**BatButter:** I’m not offended it’s just I wouldn't have suspected such a woman of your standard to say such things

 

**TheBigD:** Oh you are just the sweetest man Alfred

**The Bat:** He’s great anit he?

 

**MrMechanic:** Who’s blocking up my feed with shitty codenames and British ponce?

 

**BatButtler:** opps, sorry Mister Stone

 

**MrMechanic:** It’s okay, just get another channel!

 

**MrsKent:** I’m loving it, I sit here with my coffee and home baked cookies from Ma and me and Clark just watch what we have now named Wayne Vision!

 

**SuperKent:** Which mostly consists of Alfred roasting Bruce’s ass or Bruce hitting on Alfred’s ass.

 

{ **AL.B.Flash** has logged in} 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I might be a bit late to dinner Alfie but like no more than ten minutes! 

 

**The Bat:** YOU….LATE? 

 

**TheBigD:** Are Barry and Late even allowed in the same sentence...

 

**BatButtler:** That’s fine Mr Allen, let’s just hope there isn't another break out at Arkham!

 

**The Bat:** AH Alfred don't jinx it, I‘ve been waiting for this dinner since boxing day and even The Joker is not going to stop me getting my lobster!

 

::

::

 

{ **TheBigD** changed her name too  **PrincessD** }

 

**{PrincessD** changed her bio to  _ I work with children} _

 

**{BatButtler** changed his bio to  _ You only just noticed that now?} _

 

**PrincessD:** LMAO 

**PrincessD:** I love you Alfie

 

::

::

 

**The Bat:** JIM JUST PHONED - QUINN IS DOWNTOWN

 

**NotAPitchFork:** I’m too drunk sorry!

 

**The Bat:** Dude she’s literally like two doors from the pub you're in!

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Yeah...still too drunk for that, I might impale a human on me ‘pitchfork’

 

**PrincessD:** On my way over!

 

**SuperKent:** Want a hand Bruce?

 

**TheBat:** I’d usually say no but please? Dinner is ready in like two hours and I AM NOT MISSING LOBSTER FOR HER

 

**TheBat:** Your welcome to join us btw

 

**AL.B.Flash:** *gasp* Bruce said PLEASE

 

**SuperKent:** I’ll get changed then

 

**MrsKent:** I’ll take the Alfred express babe just go on ahead

 

**BatButtler:** I’ll send the plane in five Mrs Kent just got to help Bruce into his suit

 

::

::

 

**The Bat:** SHE BROUGHT CONDIMENT MAN OMG

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I got mustard in my eye!

 

**SuperKent:** God, I hope this doesn't stain!

 

**MrsKent:** This is great television

 

**BatButtler:** I must say this is one of the more amusing fights I have watched in a while. 

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Can you guys keep it down out there?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I’m gunna go blind!

 

::

::

 

**PrincessD:** Well, that made this lobster dinner all the more worth it!

 

**BatButtler:** God, knows how I’m going to get those mass ketchup stains out of Bruce’s suit though

 

{ **AL.B.Flash** has added the photo _ HappyNewBatYear.jpg _ }

 

**MrMechanic:** Bruce you look so sloshed dude!

 

**TheBat:** I’sm!

 

**BatButtler:** Guess who needs bedtime?

 

**The Bat:** UR BUTT

 

{ **SuperKent** has added the photo  _ whydoihangoutwithyou.jpg _ }

 

**MrsKent:** Aw Clark and Bruce are secret BBFs and lol the title

 

**AL.B.Flash:** dishes are done, can we have cake now?

 

**BatButtler:** Yes Barry we can have cake :)

 

**AL.B.Flash:** erm….guys I think my hand is swelling up…

 

{ **AL.B.Flash** posted picture WTH?}

 

**PrincessD:** OMG

 

**BatButtler:** I’ll get some epinephrine from the cave

 

**The Bat:** flass got fat!

 

**SuperKent:** Barry did you even know your allergic to shellfish?

  
**MrsKent:** This family can’t not have drama for ten minutes can it LOL


	10. While The Bats Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce has a terrible way with words...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LARGE AMOUNT OF CRACK

**[WELCOME TO BAT-CHAT]**

 

**SuperKent:** Has anyone got season four of House Of Cards on DVD?

 

**MrMechinic:** Nope

 

**PrincessD:** What’s House of Cards?

 

**MrsKent:** You haven’t seen House of Cards?

 

**PrincessD:** I don't get to watch television much. 

**NotAPitchFork:** I don’t even have TV so no.

 

**BatButtler:** I believe Master Wayne does, shall I fly it over or will you fetch it?

 

**SuperKent:** Tell you what Diana why don’t you come over, I’ll go grab the DVD from Alfie and we can have a marathon!

 

**PrincessD:** Sounds like a plan Superman

 

**BatButtler:** Master Wayne is away at a conference this week if you'd like to use his cinema room Mr Kent?

 

**MrsKent:** Clark omg!

 

**SuperKent:** Thank’s Alfie, we’ll take you up on that. 

 

**PrincessD:** I’ll meet you at Bruce’s place then?

 

**SuperKent:** Sure.

 

**BatButtler:** I’ll put the kettle on

 

**::**

**::**

  
  
  


{ **TheBat** has logged in}

 

**The Bat:** I’m Home, Thank fuck!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Welcome back to Gotham! 

 

**The Bat:** Why are you in my kitchen, eating my food?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I’m right here you don't need to message me!

 

**TheBat:** Alfred! Why is Barry in my house?

 

**BatButtler:** They’ve all been popping in and out since you left, Barry decided to camp on your couch because he ‘didn’t like me being on my own at my age’ 

 

**TheBat:** Barry, Alfred can handle himself he’s a big boy

 

**AL.B.Flash:** He fell, on the deck outside!

 

**BatButtler:** You said you wouldn't tell him! 

 

**TheBat:** Shit, Alfred I've told you that thing is dangerous when it’s been raining!

 

**BatButtler:** I’m fine, I’ve had worse injuries. 

 

**TheBat:** I know but you can break easier! Where r u anyway?

 

**BatButtler:** Oh chill out it was a mere bruise, in the cave.

 

**TheBat:** Did you just tell me to chill out?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I’ve been teaching him slang, sorry

 

**TheBat:** You better not have defiled his Britishness with your American shit words

 

**BatButtler:** If anyone is defiling me Master Wayne it's you!

 

**AL.B.Flash** : AND IM OUT

 

{ **AL.B.Flash** has logged out} 

 

**The Bat:** Now I’m going to have to get Flash more counselling….

 

::

::

 

**BatButtler:  -.-. --- -- .     .. -.     - .... .     -... . -.. .-. --- --- -- --··--     .. ·----· --     .-.. ..- -... . -..     ..- .--.**

 

**PrincessD:** Alfred?

 

**MrMechanic:** Why do people not get other channels I didn't need to read that!

 

**BatButtler:** Sorry Victor I forgot you knew morse code. 

 

**TheBat:** ON MY WAY

 

**AL.B.Flash:** What is this some secret Bat-text now? 

**AL.B.Flash:** Or shit going down! I want in!

**AL.B.Flash:** If it’s action I want in!

 

**MrMechanic:** It’s not the ACTION you want kiddo

 

**PrincessD:** I don't get it

 

**MrMechanic:** you don’t wana

 

{ **SuperKent** has logged in} 

 

**SuperKent:** Can you guys be a bit quieter, I can hear you know!

 

**MrsKent:** Doing what?

 

**SuperKent:** I’d rather not say

 

**TheBat:** Stop spying then you perv

 

**SuperKent:** I can’t help it!

 

**MrsKent:** Oh are they fucking?

 

**SuperKent:** I knew ‘Brucey Wayne’ was a hit with women but he must be rubbish in bed if he’s ended up bedding Alfie after all these years

 

**AL.B.Flash:** RIGHT IM MAKING CHANNELS!

 

**MrMechianic:** thank fuck for that!

 

::

::

 

{ **AL.B.Flash** has created the Channel _ NSFW ONLY _ }

{ **AL.B.Flash** has created the Channel  _ MainChat _ }

{ **AL.B.Flash** has created the Channel  _ FightChat _ }

 

**AL.B.Flash:** There

**AL.B.Flash:** Also the video feature is working now too :D

 

{ **The Bat** and  **2 others** have moved to the  _ NSFW ONLY _ }

 

**SuperKent:** Diana!!!

 

**PrincessD:** Yes? 

 

**SuperKent:** Are you at Bruce’s?

 

**PrincessD:** No, there live blogging to test the video

 

{ **MrsKent** has moved to the  _ NSFW Channel _ }

 

**SuperKent:** LOIS OMG!

 

{ **AL.B.Flash** has created the Channel  _ WAYNE HOUSEHOLD _ }

 

**TheBat:** Ou, got our own private channel

 

::

::

 

**TheBat:** Guys I have an important announcement

 

**TheBat:** WTF, where r u all?

 

{ **TheBat** has nudged **PrincessD** and 7 others}

 

{ **SuperKent** has logged in} 

 

**SuperKent:** What’s wrong Bruce?

 

**TheBat:** I’ll tell you in a sec

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Hey sorry college ran over what’s up?

 

**BatButtler:** Master Wayne? 

 

{ **SupermansMom** has logged in} 

 

**MrsKent:** Hi Ma

 

**SupermansMom:** Hi Lois

 

**TheBat:** Where’s Vic?

 

**MrMechanic:** Here, what’s up?

 

{ **NotAPitchFork** has logged in} 

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Yup?

 

**TheBat:** Great all here!

 

**TheBat:** I’d just like to let you all know me and Diana have an announcement

 

**PrincessD:** Oh are we telling them?

 

**TheBat:** Yes

 

**BatButtler:** What? 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** did you solve your problem?

 

**BatButtler:** What problem?!

 

**TheBat:** Well, you see me and Diana have been talking this past fortnight, dinner drinks etc and have agreed that it’s come to a perfect time in our relationship, to inform you all of the new addition to the family.

 

**AL.B.Flash:** WHAT?

 

**MrMechanic:** WTF

 

**NotAPitchFork:** FUCKING HELL

 

**SupermansMom:** Brucey?!

 

**SuperKent:** WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AND ALFRED?!

 

**MrsKent:** Oh God, congrats but what Clark said!

 

**TheBat:** Huh? 

 

**SuperKent:** WAIT what was that, I heard a bang Bruce what WAS that?!

 

**TheBat:** That came from upstairs!

 

**PrincessD:** What’s going on?

 

**MrMechanic:** This is just messed up bro!

**PrincessD:** What do you mean, we thought you'd be glad to know we’ve found another Meta!

 

**NotAPitchFork:** OH THANK GOD

 

**SupermansMom:** Oh!

 

**PrincessD:** What, what did you all think we were saying?!

 

**SuperKent:** Ma, how do you treat head wounds?

 

**TheBat:** FUCK SHIT FUCK ALFIES PASSED OUT

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I’M ON MY WAY!!

 

**MrsKent:** Shit Alfred!

 

**MrsKent:** We thought you were pregnant D!

 

**PrincessD:** OH GOD NO

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Well, this will be something to laugh on later….

 

**SupermanMom:** Just call an ambulance Clark!


	11. Hot Water and Metahumans don't mix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CRACK!

**[WELCOME TO BAT-CHAT]**

  
  


**TheBat** : Sooooo...now were back from A&E and Diana has actually explained what I meant, how does everyone feel about this? 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Pretty good…

 

**SupermansMom:** One more can’t hurt.

 

**SuperKent:** Alfred is pretty pissed

 

**TheBat:** Yeah, think he has right to be...

 

**PrincessD:** I know that from now on we're not going to beat around the bush and just come with it because that was more worry that it was worth trying to be gentle!

 

**MrMechanic:** Bruce needs a new ‘Boss’ mug as well. 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Yeah, shame that hasn’t survived this, it was cool

 

**TheBat:** Yeah, I sadly lost my ‘Boss’ mug…great mug.

 

**BatButtler:** *clears throat from behind you* 

 

**TheBat:** BUT ALFRED'S OKAY THAT'S WHAT MATTERS! 

 

**PrincessD:** Thank god because I can’t live without his coffee. 

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Or the food…

 

**TheBat:** Or the sex…

 

**SuperKent:** TMI BRUCE

 

**AL.B.Flash:** EW

 

**SupermansMom:** TMI?

 

**SuperKent:** Too Much Information

 

**MrsKent:** Priceless...I wonder how this headline would look?

 

**MrsKent:** Metahumans put Butler in the hospital over pregnancy scare! 

 

{ **BatButtler** has changed his name to  **TheBestButler** }

 

{ **TheBestButler** has changed his bio too: _ I hate you all _ }

 

**TheBat:**  :(

 

**AL.B.Flash:**  :(

 

**PrincessD:**  :O

 

**SuperKent:** :’(

 

**MrMechanic:** Hey, don’t blame me!

 

**MrsKent:**  XD

 

**SuperKent:** Why are you laughing?!

 

**MrsKent** : I thought that was the dead face? 

 

**TheBat:** No this is the dead face   XP

 

**AL.B.Flash:** I thought it was XO

 

**MrMechanic:** Its    >.<

 

**PrincessD:** Actually it's  X.X 

 

**TheBestButler:** I don't fucking care what face it is! I want to know why I ended up with twelve stitches and why I’m currently being forced to stay in this bed by Master Wayne!

 

**TheBat:** We found another Metahuman

 

**TheBestButler:** Oh my God

 

**PrincessD:** They could be joining the team someday

 

**TheBestButler:** Oh my God

 

**MrMechanic:** Barry your phones only got three percent battery kid…

 

**AL.B.Flash:** FUCK

 

**TheBestButler:** Oh my God

 

**TheBat:** Diana isn’t pregnant and I’m not breaking up with you

 

**TheBestButler:** Thank god!

 

**PrincessD:** HALLELUJAH the bet is still on

 

**TheBat:** What bet?

 

**SuperKent:** SHHHHH!

 

**SupermansMom:** ?????

 

**MrsKent: *** giggles* 

 

**TheBat:** >.> I can see why Alfred hates you guys!

 

**TheBestButler:** If you hurry up and bring me that cup of tea, I might let you sleep in here tonight.

 

**TheBat:** :D 

 

**TheBat:** Alfred which button turns it on?

 

**TheBestButler:** the bottom one

 

**TheBat:** got it.

 

**AL.B.Flash:** Wait, the batman can’t use his own kettle? 

 

**TheBat:** I don't drink tea...just coffee, I have a machine for that, with little things I put in the slot and...its makes coffee. 

 

**TheBestButler:** Your Nespresso machine, sir. 

 

**TheBat:** Yes, genius thing

 

**MrMechanic:** I’m now leaving this loser conversation

 

{ **MrMechanic has logged out** }

 

**PrincessD:** Wow, Alfred, I thought you were joking when you said Bruce wasn’t as smart as he thinks he looks. 

 

**TheBestButler:** Don't let him near the oven, the last time he tried to bake his own breakfast pastries he almost set it on fire!

 

**TheBestButler:** He can somehow also burn water this boy

 

**TheBat:** :/

 

**TheBat:** But the kettle, won't right? Does it stop itself?

 

**TheBestButler:** Yes, Bruce, it will stop….you then pour the water in the cup and add the tea bag!

 

**PrincessD:** Remind me next time I come over to teach him basic kitchen skills, even I can cook!

 

**TheBestButler:** Good luck with that

 

**TheBat:** That sounds boring!

 

**TheBestButler:** See what I mean

 

**SupermansMom:** Bruce honey, you either sit down and learn how to care for that sweet old man or I’ll be over there with my wooden spoon and I’ll have you whipped up faster than I did Clark when he let the chickens get out! 

 

**SuperKent:** MOM!

 

**MrsKent:** LMAO

 

**TheBat:** O.O old man? 

 

**TheBestButler:** I can be whatever you wish Mrs Kent but I am certainly not old!

 

**TheBat:** Well, you kinda are...but you don't look it, or act it. 

 

**MrsKent:** Enjoy sleeping on that couch Bruce.

 

::

::

 

**TheBestButler:** I regret to inform you Master Wayne failed on his attempt to make tea. He opened the tea bag.

 

**PrincessD:** like….pouring the loose tea in the cup?

 

**TheBestButler:** Yes.

 

**PrincessD:** OMG

 

**AL.B.Flash:** PFFT that’s it I’m spreading the rumour that Batman can't make a cup of tea.

 

**TheBat:** You fucking do, and I’ll put you in my trophy cabinet!

 

**AL.B.Flash:** you gotta catch me first! 

  
**TheBat:** BARRY!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we can all agree Alfred is the BEST BUTLER!


	12. Alfred, can you get me...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred is shopping and apparently, Bruce has a nipple and groin rash? Ew.

**TheBestButler:** I’m currently shopping.

 

**TheBestButler:** Do you need anything Master Allen?

 

 **The Bat:** Since when do we add Barry’s food bill on ours?

 

**TheBestButler:** Since he started living here….

 

**TheBat:** And why is he living here?

 

**TheBestButler:** Because hell if I was going to keep letting him live in that one bedroom basement, god, place was covered with damp!

 

**TheBat:** Does this mean I have a new son?

 

**AL.B.Flash:** :D

 

[ **AL.B.Flash** changed his name to **FlashRobin]**

 

**TheBat:** NO

 

**TheBat:** Alfred, put him back we can get a better one at the adoption centre

 

**TheBestButler:** No, I’m sorry Master Wayne but I’d done with you raising self-repressed vigilantes, at least Barry takes my advice. 

 

**FlashRobin:** Can you get me some more of those trail mix bars with the coconut Alfie, please?

 

**TheBestButler:** Done

 

**FlashRobin** : I washed and chopped the veg btw, want me to clean the bathroom? 

 

**TheBestButler:** Please Master Allen. 

 

**TheBat:** Stop calling him that, that's my name!

 

**TheBestButler:** I’ve always called members of the house master

 

{ **MrMechanic** has logged in}

 

**TheBestButler:** Hello, Victor.

 

**TheBat:** But since you know, we, I thought...you, Master, could be...you know

 

**TheBestButler:** OH,......no, I’m not into that.

 

**TheBat:** you didn't say that a few nights ago ;)

 

{ **MrMechanic** has logged out}

 

**TheBat:** Bye Vic, lol

 

**FlashRobin:** Guys, you need to use the channels!

 

**TheBestButler:** Sorry Barry we keep forgetting.

 

{ **PrincessD** has logged in}

 

**PrincessD:** Alfred, can you get chocolate covered almonds in Gotham? 

 

**TheBestButler:** I’ll have a look for you Miss Prince, I’m currently in the shop. 

 

**TheBestButler:** Do you want some more Reese's puffs, Master Wayne?

 

**TheBat:** Please Alfred, I finished the box at like 3 am this morning. 

 

**PrincessD:** There not for me there for my coworker, she’s up the duff with twins and obsessed with chocolate covered nuts.

 

**TheBat:** At least it isn’t chocolate covered pickles!

 

**TheBestButler:** How many bags, they have small 120g or large 200g?

 

**PrincessD:** Five of the large please Alfred, I’ll wire Bruce the cash tonight when I get back to the hotel. 

 

**TheBat:** Don’t worry about it, they're like a dollar each keep the money. 

 

**PrincessD:** Well, then I’ll buy you a pint when I’m in town next week then. 

**TheBat:** That will do :P

 

**TheBestButler:** Do we need anymore lubricant?

 

**PrincessD:** TMI

 

**TheBat:** Erm, yes

 

**FlashRobin:** Oh, if I’m living with you does this mean I’m going to hear you fucking?

 

**TheBat:** No, we’ll keep it until your at college.

 

**FlashRobin:** Thank god.

 

**TheBestButler:** Do you need any more cream for that rash Master Wayne?

 

**FlashRobin:** Ew

 

**PrincessD:** you have a rash? Where?

 

{ **SupermansMom** has logged in} 

 

**SupermansMom:** I sense a problem!

 

**MrsKent:** Is Clark here? Oh, no damn, I needed him to grab something from the store.

 

**SupermansMom:** You have a rash Bruce, have you been washing your pants properly?

 

**TheBat:** Alfred does all my washing -.O

 

**TheBestButler:** I’m in the supermarket Mrs Kent, can I help you?

 

**MrsKent:** Oh do they have any three seed bread and a four pint of semi-skimmed milk if you can please Alfred, I’ll get Clark to grab it on his way back from work. 

 

**TheBestButler:** His pants are fine, it’s the kevlar that’s doing it.

 

**TheBat:** No Alfred I don’t need any more cream, but thanks for telling supes mom about my rash :/

 

**TheBestButler:** I know we need more baby lotion at least.

 

**FlashRobin:** Speaking of bathroom stuff, Alfie, I’ve run out of shampoo

**TheBestButler:** which one lad?

 

**FlashRobin:** The blue one 2 in 1 with the coconut?

 

**TheBestButler:** Found it. 

 

**TheBestButler:** Do you want some more tea tree shampoo, Master Wayne?

 

**TheBat:** Yeah, please

 

**SupermansMom:** That good for keeping lice off.

 

**TheBestButler:** Indeed, he had horrible issues at school when he was young with head lice.

 

**TheBat:** THANKS, ALFRED!!!!

 

**MrsKent:** LMAO, oh where’s Clark when you need someone to laugh with?

 

**SuperMansMom:** In Seoul, there was a building fire I think?

 

**PrincessD:** He just text and said he’s off to the sun

 

**MrsKent:** Ah recharge, I'll let him know to grab the groceries from Alfred on his way back then. 

 

**TheBat:** Alfred, I need some more of that...other stuff…

 

**TheBestButler:** Stuff?

 

**TheBat:** The stuff 

 

**TheBestButler:** For which part of you?

 

**TheBat:** My chest….

 

**TheBestButler:** Oh your nipple cream!

 

**TheBat:** AGAIN THANKS, ALFRED JUST TELL THE WHOLE JUSTICE LEAGUE!

 

**FlashRobin:** Pfft, Batman needs nipple cream

 

**TheBat:** Shut up Barry!

 

**TheBestButler:** Can you check if we need anymore Flash?

**FlashRobin:** anymore what?

 

**TheBestButler:** Flash

 

**FlashRobin:** yeah?

 

**TheBat:** No he’s mean’s Flash

 

**FlashRobin:** What about me?

 

**TheBat:** No flash the green stuff

 

**TheBestButler: T** he cleaning product Master Allen

 

**PrincessD:** Flash the floor cleaner?

 

**TheBestButler:** YES!

 

**FlashRobin:** Oh that! I’ll go check

 

**TheBestButler:** It’s under the sink

 

**FlashRobin:** It’s about half full

 

**TheBestButler:** I’ll get another, god knows when Master Wayne is going to bleed all over my kitchen floor again.

 

**TheBat:** Like every other week

 

**PrincessD:** Alfred?

 

**TheBestButler:** Yes?

 

**PrincessD:** I know I shouldn't ask you this question but...can you get me some cream for those little things?

 

**TheBat:** WTF?

 

**TheBestButler:** little things?

 

**PrincessD:** no, the soap stuff that fights...erm, crabs.

 

**TheBestButler:** ?

**TheBat:** Heavy cream?

 

**TheBestButler:** No, ah I don’t think you mean seafood do you?

 

**PrincessD:** No, I don't, sorry, it’s just this guy and he only said the next morning…

 

**TheBestButler:** Don't say anything else, I get it, I know the feeling...well, not personally but I was in the army. 

 

**PrincessD:** Thank god, I couldn't bring myself to go to the clinic and ask. 

 

**TheBestButler:** It's in the basket.

 

**TheBat:** Fuck me my bill is going to be twice as much today

 

**TheBestButler:** Well, I have had to double on things because of Master Allen’s appetite.

 

**TheBat:** It’s not just that, crabs, lice, wart and rash creams...god Alfred don’t let any journalist see those bags I mean ffs there going to think I've got every STD under the sun!

 

::

::

 

**TheBat:** $540! 

 

**FlashRobin:** I can’t help it if I need $50 worth of orange juice

 

**TheBat:** But did we really need $67 worth of high protein milkshake powder?

 

**TheBestButler:** Yes

 

**PrincessD:** How much do I owe you for that crab stuff Alfred?

 

**TheBestButler:** $6

 

**TheBat:** The fucking cheapest thing on the list! 

 

**FlashRobin:** You do know we’ve posted all this in the main chat?

 

**PrincessD:** OH FUCK

 

**TheBat:** O.O

 

**FlashRobin:** Clark just text and says hope your nipples get better…

**TheBat:** I’m gonna kill him

**SupermansMom:** Please don’t, you tried that sweetie and we can't go through it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments!


	13. Grounded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred and Bruce go on holiday...flash get's bored then get grounded. Thank Clark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CRACK, CRACK, CRACK OH SHIT!

**[WELCOME TO BAT-CHAT]**

 

**FlashRobin:** Hey anyone free this weekend, Alf and Bruce are away and I’m thinking party!

 

**MissPrince:** Bruce isn’t there?

 

**SuperKent:** I’ll go ask mom if she wants to join us :D

 

**FlashRobin:** No, he said Alfred needed a holiday and he wouldn’t go on his own so they’ve both left for Canada for the week, left me to guard the house. I’ve been on my own for four days and I’m bored.

 

**MissPrince:** Not party in it….

 

**FlashRobin:** But moooom how often do you get reign of billionaires house!

 

**MrsKent:** He has a point Di

 

**MissPrince:** Oh fine, I won’t snitch but only if you don’t invite anyone outside this group

 

**FlashRobin:** I couldn’t if I wanted too…told ya I don’t got friends

 

**SuperKent:** She said what type of party? 

 

**FlashRobin:** Well, Bruce has a poker table, a pool table, a pool, I have monopoly and we have access to his gym and all the grounds...football?...he also a huge music collection...

 

**MissPrince:** What about his cinema room?

 

**FlashRobin:** Yup :D

 

**MrsKent:** I’m up for a bet and swim, grab a movie...Clark your mom has access to Alfred’s kitchen she can cook!

 

**SuperKent:** She’s in and so am I!

 

**FlashRobin:** Vic already text he’s on his way over now.

 

**MissPrince:** I’ll be an hour or so but I’ll meet you soon

 

**SuperKent:** Same here, me and Lois need to pack a few things.

 

::

::

  
  


**NotAPitchfork:** Someone come open the back door!

 

**MissPrince:** Hey Arthur! 

 

**NotAPitchfork:** *Waves through glass*

 

**MissPrince:** *waves back even though I’m texting* 

 

**NotAPitchfork:** you’ll find me in the kitchen where I hear a hot blonde is cooking!

 

**SupermansMom:** Oh Arthur!

 

**MrsKent:** Clark just bet me two weeks of articles on a game of poker? 

 

**SupermansMom:** Lazy bum!

 

**MrsKent:** But it’s a great lazy bum.

 

**MissPrince:** Take the bet, the last time he played with me and Bruce he lost five hundred dollars.

 

**MrsKent:** Oh, so that’s where our rent went then!

 

**SuperKent:** O.O 

 

**FlashRobin:** Clark your mom's apple pie is heaven!

 

**SuperKent:** I K R! Totally worth coming back from the dead for

 

::

::

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Barry was the vase in the pool room you know valuable? 

**FlashRobin:** Why? 

 

**SuperKent:** Because I just took it out with the cue ball and if it was valuable in one piece it’s now more so in about twenty!

 

**MissPrince:** There are bits of it lodged in the wall!

 

{ **TheBestButler** has logged in}

 

**FlashRobin:** SHIT

 

**TheBestButler:** Is everything okay Master Allen, Bruce wanted me to check in with you before we go for dinner?

 

**FlashRobin:** Everything’s fine, Alfred, I’m just eating pizza and watching movies, you know, usual.

 

**TheBestButler:** Ah good, well, you could you tell Ma Kent that there's some veg in the freezer that needs using up and Lois that the towels from the ensuite need to be put on a low heat in the dyer?

 

**FlashRobin:** Erm….why?

 

**TheBestButler:** Because I doubt Clark knows how to use a dryer…

 

**FlashRobin:** No I mean, why should I tell them that, It just me here.

 

**TheBestButler:** Barry...I have security cameras all over the manor and the grounds and I have access to them anywhere I can get wifi...I can see you and all seven of you in the house.

 

**TheBestButler:** Including a broken vase

 

**FlashRobin:** Am I grounded?

 

**MissPrince:** Sorry Alfred, we should have made Flash ask before he invited us.

 

**TheBestButler:** It’s fine Miss Prince, somehow Master Wayne had a feeling Flash might invite you all over, so he’s actually happy to find he was right. Just don’t leave any stains on my rug, clean up the vase and we’ll be fine. 

 

**FlashRobin:** I’m grounded ain't I?

 

**TheBestButler:** No

 

{ **TheBat** has logged in} 

 

**The Bat:** Yes

 

**TheBestButler:** Bruce, please he’s just bored.

 

**TheBat:** But he didn’t ask, if he had I wouldn’t be mad

 

**TheBestButler:** your not mad, you're laughing

 

**TheBat:** He's still grounded for breaking a vase

 

**FlashRobin:** That wasn’t even me!

 

**TheBestButler:** I’ll ground you in a minute if you don’t unground Master Allen

 

**TheBat:** I’d love to see you fucking try!

 

{ **TheBestButler** has logged out}

 

{ **TheBat** Has Logged Out}

 

**MrMechanic:** Hell knows how Bruce coped with two kids

 

**FlashRobin:** So Am I grounded?

 

**MissPrince:** Ma said yes because you should have asked, but you can be ungrounded by cleaning the house before they come home. 

 

**FlashRobin:** URGH

 

::

::

 

**SuperKent:** Ma just won at poker!

 

**MissPrince:** your rent’s gone again Lois lol

 

**MrsKent:** Omg, Clark!

 

**SupermansMom:** He can have it back when he’s done all my chores tomorrow!

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Damn, lil lady is killing that table tonight!

 

**MrMechanic:** I’m watching Die Hard 3 with Barry and there’s a guy in who looks like a young Alfred

 

**FlashRobin:** This is scary!

 

**SupermansMom:** Who wants chicken and waffles?

 

**SuperKent:** I DO I DO!

  
  


::

::

  
  


**TheBat:** Plane is boarding, we’ll be home in just under four hours. 

 

**FlashRobin:** I’ve done the kitchen, bedroom and the bathroom, I’m just vacuuming the cinema room. 

 

**TheBat:** Alfred say’s if you used the pool, drain it and we’ll refill it tomorrow, it was due cleaning. 

 

**FlashRobin:** Your not going to leave me alone in the house again are you?

 

**TheBat:** Nope, next time you can come to the villa party in Jamaica instead. 

 

**FlashRobin:** WTF you said you were going to meeting in Toronto!

 

**TheBat:** Oh, no that’s next month LOL

 

**FlashRobin:** F U Bruce…

 

**TheBat:** Oh, and Alfred sent you a postcard

  
  


::

::

 

[ **FlashRobin** Posted the picture thanksalf.jpg]

 

 


	14. Speeding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce is in trouble...again. *slow clap* (Sorry this is so short, I've been mega busy last few days, I promise to add you an extra chapter up in a few days!)

**[Welcome To Bat-Chat]**

 

 

[ **TheBat** has logged In]  
  


**TheBat:** Alfred, when did they turn the bridge from a 70 to a 50?

 

**TheBestButler:** Last month I believe why?

 

**TheBat:** Because I’ve been pulled over and the cop wants me to open the boot

 

**TheBestButler:** DONT!

 

**FlashRobin:** What’s in the boot?

 

**TheBestButler:** Some parts for the Batmobiles back wing...if they see them, they’ll find out!

 

**FlashRobin:** But the cop can just arrest him?

 

**TheBat:** In which he is now threatening me with! Call my lawyer Alf, I’ll be offline, he’s wanting my phone.

 

**FlashRobin:** He can’t arrest Bruce Wayne can he?

 

**TheBestButler:** Looks like he's going to try.

 

**FlashRobin:** But Bruce is like a diplomat or whatever isn't he supposed to be immune to it?

 

**TheBestButler:** He wishes. 

 

::

::

 

**SuperKent:** I here Bruce Waynes in custody for speeding

 

**MrsKent:** I know I heard it too

 

**TheBestButler:** He's currently in a holding cell for not only speeding but refusing to cooperate and now also having sworn at the officer and punched a cameraman. 

 

**FlashRobin:** I thought he’s supposed to be calm in these situations

 

**TheBestButler:** I told him to play it up a little, because well, Brucie Wayne doesn’t like thinking he’s not made of gold, it will make decent news and take the heat off the storm brewing in the shareholders. 

 

**MrsKent:** Or make it worse, I’ve seen things still hit the front page a with it even if you try to bury them….

 

**SuperKent:** Should I just fly over and tell them I’ll deal with him? 

 

**MrsKent:** No...because then you’ll just become the headline.

 

**MrsKent:** and Perry will be asking where the fuck you’ve gone!

 

**TheBestButler:** Nobody panic I’ve already phoned the lawyers 

 

[ **GCPD** Has Logged In]

 

**GCPD:** Hey, Alf, I’ll send your boy home in a few hours if you can bring over some bail. Media is having a riot outside spinning shit about us having found a dead body in the boot of his car

 

**TheBestButler:** Did anyone actually open it?

 

**GCPD:** No, I was hoping you’d tell me…

 

**TheBestButler:** Car parts I ordered….for the car. There a bit obvious so best if there not seen.

 

**GCPD:** gotcha.

 

**TheBestButler:** Have you made a statement to the press yet?

 

**GCPD:** No, I’m not sure what we can say. I mean, I told Steve he should have just given Bruce a ticket but the damn kid thinks over his head and now we're facing scrutiny if we don't pull up a decent excuse. 

 

**TheBestButler:** What about his other offences, Bruce has been caught speeding more than once.

 

**GCPD:** Aye, I noticed, but I don’t really want to take his license…

 

**TheBestButler:** Don’t worry about it, I can drive him to work and anyway...it gives me more time to fix up the Aston because I prefer the Bentley.

 

**GCPD:** Okay, so we’re good on just a fine and taking his licence then? I mean to be honest, even I’ve done seventy down there before now. 

 

**TheBestButler:** I’ll pop down and pay the fine and bail in a bit, I’m just making dinner.

 

**FlashRobin:** And I’m helping :D

 

::

::

 

**TheBat:** BRUCE WAYNE BAILED AGAIN

 

**TheBat:** For god's sake, Clark couldn’t you have come up with a better headline?

 

**SuperKent:** I had writer’s block and there was a cat stuck in a tree down the road and it’s meowing was getting on my nerves. 

 

**MrsKent:** that’s such a lame excuse, he overslept and Perry made him run two articles instead of one and then he spilt water all over Perry’s desk and ruined his notes so it’s his own fault he now has to do extra hours.

 

**TheBestButler:** Bad day then hm?

 

**TheBat:** Better than mine, prison food is disgusting.

 

**TheBestButler:** I dread to think what slop they were trying to feed you before I got there. 

 

**TheBat:** I think it was alive.

 

**TheBat:** I lost my driver’s license, five thousand dollars and I now owe my butler boyfriend dinner because he had to pay the six hundred bail because they took my wallet and one of those pigs broke my watch!

 

**TheBestButler:** Admittedly, it looks to have been dropped, I might be able to fix it if you wish?

 

**TheBat:** No, no it’s alright Alf I’ll just get a new one at least it’s not the one you bought me for my birthday. 

 

[ **MissPrince** has logged in]

 

**MissPrince:** Is it just me or did anyone else spot Bruce’s ass when they shoved him into that police car. 

 

**TheBestButler:** Really? 

**FlashRobin:** Yeah, lol did your pants fall down or sum thing Bruce?

 

**TheBat:** I’ve lost a few pounds and my phone was in my pocket and the buckle of my belt broke at lunch so yeah they probably slipped. So you can add me flashing the camera to the list of things I’ve done today.

 

**SuperKent:** LOL

 

**MrsKent:** Perry just text me and asked if I can somehow get an interview with staff at Wayne Manor about you Bruce….

 

**TheBat:** Alfred?

 

**TheBestButler:** The only thing you’ll get out of me is a very loud ‘Fuck off of my land’ 

 

**MrsKent:** And Quote! Pay up clark.

 

**SuperKent:** Damn now I owe her five hundred. 

 

**TheBat:** Thanks Alf xxxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have a situation you want them to get into - COMMENT! I'm happy to take requests.


	15. Who's The Adult here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Furries, Drunk Alfred and A&E again...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce: The Bat  
> Barry: FlashRobin  
> Diana: MissPrince  
> Alfred: TheBestButler  
> Clark: SuperKent  
> Lois: MrsKent  
> Martha: SupermansMom  
> Arthur: NotAPitchfork  
> Victor: MrMechanic

**[WELCOME TO BAT-CHAT]**

 

{ **TheBat** has posted the photo  **WTF.Jpg** }

 

**TheBat:** Crime just isn’t serious anymore….

 

**FlashRobin:** Gotham’s got Furries!

 

**MrMechanic:** O.O

 

**NotAPitchFork** : Where’d you find them pussies? LOL

 

**TheBat:** They were breaking into flats to steal milk

 

**TheBat:** I just...can’t anymore.

 

**TheBestButler:** You know I’ve seen a lot of shit in my life...and honestly this takes the biscuit. 

 

**TheBat:** don’t it just?

 

**TheBestButler:** Reports in there’s a stray in crime alley….

 

**TheBat:** URGH 

 

**TheBestButler:** I don’t even know why I’m still sat at this computer...I need booze. 

 

::

::

 

**_8:40am Next Day_ **

 

{ **MissPrince** has logged in} 

 

**MissPrince:** Morning! :D

 

**FlashRobin:** *waves*

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Hey Princess

 

**TheBat:** Good Morning Miss Prince

 

**MissPrince:** Bruce?

 

**MrMechanic:** ???

 

**TheBat:** No, ma’am, it’s Alfred, Master Wayne is still somewhere buried under these sheets and my phoned died last night and I forgot to charge it so I’m using Master Wayne’s phone while he I quote ‘can’t be fucking arsed’ to move to reply.

 

**MissPrince:** Wow, what’s up his ass?

 

**MrMechinic:** DONT ASK THAT

 

**TheBat:** Bad night. I do not wish to go into details. But my head hurts.

 

{ **SupermansMom** has logged in}

 

**SupermansMom** : Is Lois on? 

 

**MissPrince:** Not yet. Clark’s probably keeping her off the phone...I don’t think that needs explaining. 

**MrMechanic:** Why is everything about sex with you lot…

 

**NotAPitchFork:** It isn’t always about sex…

 

**TheBat:** My head hurts from over doing it on the whiskey, not vs our headboard

 

**MissPrince:** Why did you just saying that remind me I need some more milk? Huh.

 

**Supermansmom:** Oh Alfie, really? Why are you wasted on a Thursday?

 

**TheBat:** As I said before bad night….scroll up if you must see why.

 

{ **SuperKent** has logged in} 

 

**SuperKent:** Golly Gosh is it 9 already!

 

**FlashRobin:** Did Superman just say golly gosh?

 

**MissPrince:** I just snorted toothpaste

 

**TheBat:** Master Wayne just rolled out of bed onto the floor. 

 

**FlashRobin:** I know I heard the bang!

 

**TheBat:** He’s got a meeting and he doesn't want to go, he's asking Mister Kent if you can come and break his leg for him?

 

**SuperKent:** :I er...no?

 

**TheBat:** He says ‘fuck you’ 

 

**SuperKent:** Shouldn’t he mean fuck ‘you’?

 

**TheBat:** I don't think either of us have the energy for that

 

**SupermansMom:** Clark baby, can you tell Lois she left her jumper in my wash basket, I’ve given it a wool wash and it’s sat on the kitchen table all dry now. 

 

**SuperKent:** Thanks Mom, she wondered where it went. <3

 

**TheBat:** Barry?

 

**FlashRobin:** Yep?

**TheBat:** If you could be so kind can you bring Bruce and myself some coffee I don’t think I can stand without vomiting.

 

**FlashRobin:** Sure Alfie.

 

::

::

 

**2:22pm**

 

**TheBat:** Alfred’s banned from drinking

 

**FlashRobin:** Seconded

 

**SupermansMom:** Why? 

 

**TheBat:** I need a new carpet and we're in A&E

 

**TheBat:** again

 

**SupermansMom:** Oh god what happened!

 

**TheBat:** He got out of bed to go and start making my dinner, forgot he didn't have his fucking leg on, he’s that hungover, fell, hit the chest of drawers cracked his head and then coughed up a whole bottle of ten year old whiskey, chips and coffee on a cream carpet before passing out in it.. 

 

**MissPrince:** Oh sweet Zeus I thought he was meant to be the adult here?

 

**TheBat:** He is

 

**TheBat:** When he isn’t wasted

 

**NotAPitchFork:** That’s rich coming from you considering…’that night’

 

**MissPrince:** wait...his leg on?

 

**FlashRobin:** I’ve tried cleaning this stain four times it ain't moving

 

**FlashRobin:** The smell is also awful, that I think I’m gunna hurl myself :(

 

**TheBat:** Diana call me, that story is way too long for bat-chat

 

::

::

 

**9.37pm**

 

{ **TheBestButler** has logged in}

 

**NotAPitchFork:** WHAYYYY!

 

**MrMechanic:** Oh he lives

 

**MissPrince:** *shaking my head you*

 

**TheBat:** *Bat Glaring*

 

**SuperKent:** Oh look the ‘adult’ returned

 

**FlashRobin:** Hi Alfred…

 

**MrsKent:** Thanks for the article ‘BUTLER BAM-BOOZED BY FURRIES’

 

**SupermansMom:** I’m disappointed 

 

**TheBestButler:** First of all, fuck all of you expect Martha.

 

**TheBestButler:** Secondly, I’m disappointed in myself ma’am no need to say

 

**TheBestButler:** Thirdly, Bruce, Barry’s in charge I’m packing and going back to Jamaica, I’m retiring. 

 

{ **TheBestButler** has logged out}

  
  


**The Bat:** Pfft, he’ll be fighting me to get out of bed tomorrow because he has ironing to do, if a concussion and being down a leg doesn't stop him, a band of furries aint fucking gunna either. 

 

**MissPrince:** Need a hand with those btw?

 

**TheBat:** No, I’m good, Barry rounded up the last eighteen earlier. If we get anymore, I’ll call you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm playing it that this Alfred is 'earth-one' based 'Irons' Alfred if the missing leg thing confuses anyone


	16. Happy Birthday Alfred

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ITS ALFRED'S BIRTHDAY!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: CRACKY SHIT AHEAD

**[Welcome To Bat Chat]**

 

{ **The Bat** has nudged  **MissPrince** and 6 others}

 

{ **The Bat** has added a new private channel  **_HERO STUFF_ ** }

 

{ **The Bat** had added  **FlashRobin** and 6 others to  **_HERO STUFF_ ** }

 

**MissPrince:** Hero stuff? What’s going on?s

 

**FlashRobin:** We need to talk about Alfred

 

**MrMechanic:** Why, what’s up with him now?

 

**The Bat:** Nothing, it’s just his birthday tomorrow and I need everyone’s help to set it up.

 

**Flash Robin:** We have a plan to distract Alfred while we set up the lakehouse!!

 

**NotAPitchfork:** Cool will it involve beer and food?

 

**Flash Robin:** Yes!!

 

**TheBat:** I’m hiring caterers and massive four-tier birthday cake

 

**MissPrince:** What about gifts?

 

**TheBat:** Useful things really, tools, clothing or books, he likes John Le Carre

 

**MissPrince:** Oh okay cool, I know he likes rugs so i’ll get him a afghan.

 

**FlashRobin:** I’m getting him tie!

 

**TheBat:** I’ve got him a new set of boots and a watch.

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Does he have space for fish, I can bring him really cool fish up?

 

**TheBat:** Sure why not, they’re easy.

 

{ **SuperKent** has logged in} 

 

**SuperKent:** Ma can’t get on her lappy at mo but she says she’ll bring some homemade pies.

 

**SuperKent:** If your wondering why I knew I overheard you talking gifts yesterday Bruce.

 

**TheBat:** Perv

 

**MrsKent:** What’s his size, there’s a bomber jacket in the sale downtown and it would look really nice on him

 

**TheBat:** Erm. I would suggest M, he’s a 36-38 I think.

 

**MrsKent:** I’ll get a return receipt just incase.

 

**MrMechanic:** I’ll go see if dad’s cooked something up he might like…

 

**FlashRobin:** We’re sending him on a treasure hunt so if you can think up some random things for him to fetch it would be a great help.

 

**The Bat:** What Barry means is, in order to keep him out of the house, I’m sending him to collect data for a ‘mission’ so yes, help needed. 

 

**MissPrince:** btw Alfred’s in the main chat and he says the Batcave won’t let him in?

 

**TheBat:** Fuck hang on 

 

{ **The Bat** has moved channels}

 

::

 

**TheBestButler:** Master Wayne?

 

**TheBestButler:** What have you done to the business logs there a mess?

 

**TheBestButler:** Bruce?!

 

**TheBestButler:** Where is everyone today, it's unusually quiet?

 

**TheBestButler:** Why can’t I get in the cave?

 

**TheBestButler:** Bruce what are you doing in there?

 

**TheBat:** Hey, Alfred, sorry erm, Im testing something for Silas and I had to lock the cave for safety reasons, but Barry text me and has asked can we have chicken for dinner?

 

**TheBestButler:** Ah, well, okay, I’ll pop out to the butchers then, won't be long

 

**TheBestButler:** BUT DON'T BLOW ANYTHING UP!

 

{ **TheBestButler** has logged out}

 

**TheBat:** As If

 

{ **TheBat** has moved channels}

  
  


::

::

 

{ **The Bat** has logged into **_HERO STUFF_** }

 

**TheBat:** Crisis averted and Barry it’s chicken for dinner

 

**FlashRobin:** Whooop!

 

**MissPrince:** Okay so, we send him a bunch of places before calling him back and then surprise?

 

**TheBat:** Yeah that's it.

 

**MissPrince:** Okay awesome, can you tell him I need him to bring me some vintage gold leaf and truffle cheddar from london please?

 

**TheBat:** That’s not very mission related

 

**MissPrince:** It is for my stomach mate

 

**TheBat:** Urgh wire me the money then it’s like $300 for a small chunk of that shit you know

 

**MissPrince:** It’s not like you can’t afford it!

 

**TheBat:** Yeah like I’m buying you cheese, your not my girlfriend! 

 

**FlashRobin:** Can we get back to the topic here!

 

**TheBat:** sure, so send him to Paris to deliver cheese then what?

 

**MissPrince:** I’ll get someone to fake a message from you saying he needs to fetch something else for you.

 

**TheBat:** Okay, then I’ll phone him and ask him to Miami to meet Flash who needs a sample collecting and taking to a storage facility in New York 

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Then what?

 

**TheBat:** I don’t know, we can just keep messaging him after, making him stop off on his way back?

 

**MissPrince:** We need decor and party things, I’m off shopping.

  
  


::

::

{Next Day - Alfreds Bday}

 

**TheBestButler:** I’m landing in twenty, did you want this at the Louvre like you said in your email?

 

**MissPrince:** Please, Alfred I’m stuck in a conference I’ll collect it at the front desk after, thank you!

 

**TheBestButler:** It’s bloody warm day, had to take my jumper off

 

**The Bat:** Whoa, lock up your ladies Alfies, stripping!

 

**FlashRobin:** LOL

 

**TheBat:** Oh Alf while your there can you get me some of that duck foie gras and a bottle of red.

 

**TheBestButler:** Are you sure you even like that stuff sir? And what price range red?

 

**TheBat:** Just a classic $200 one and yeah it’s great I hear anyway. 

 

**FlashRobin:** Oh and can you pick me up some handmade chocolate truffles please Alf, I need a retirement gift for my college tutor.

 

**TheBestButler:** How much worth?

 

**FlashRobin:** Erm, Bruce?

 

**TheBat:** $50 ish

 

**TheBestButler:** That’s about 30 pieces if I’m thinking of the store I know. 

 

**FlashRobin:** that’s great!

 

::

::

 

**The Bat:** Alfred are you on your way back?

 

**TheBestButler:** Just setting off

 

**TheBat:** Can you detour over to Miami please and meet Barry at the airport he has a sample I need taking up to the labs in New York

 

**TheBestButler:** Why can he not just run it up again?

 

**TheBat:** Because we're on a time limit at a crash site and he needs to be there

 

**TheBestButler:** Okay, should arrive in Miami in three hours

 

::

::

 

{ **TheBat** has moved to  **_HERO STUFF_ ** } 

 

**TheBat:** Diana did you get the confetti cannon up?

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Yup, we got the banner up as well 

 

**SuperKent:** The table is all set and the food is arriving

 

**MrsKent:** Ma, is finishing up baking

 

**FlashRobin:** I’m chilling on a beach!!

 

**MissPrince:** Oh Bruce your entertainment is here

 

**TheBat:** Let them in the back I don’t want the press to see eight shirtless hot men walking into my manor!

 

**MissPrince:** Oh they’re asking did you want police or navy boys?

 

**TheBat:** Navy boys

 

**TheBat:** No wait, 6 navy boys and 2 cops I need two of them to go fake arrest Alfred!

 

**MissPrince:** Omg this plan is getting convoluted!

 

**FlashRobin:** Send me pictures of these guys I need to see what Bruce meant by steel cut six-packs?

 

::

::

 

**TheBestButler:** Landed in NY, what floor am I going to Master Wayne? 

 

**The Bat:** Nine

 

**TheBestButler:** Making for the elevator

 

**Miss Prince:** Word is there’s been a sighting at the Zoo!

 

**The Bat:** Shit this close, Alfred can you get down there with the camera and do me some heat ray scan of the gators?

 

**TheBestButler:** What am I looking for exactly, your not making much sense?

 

**The Bat:** Just any abnormalities

 

**TheBestButler:** Okay then, I better go research gators

 

{ **TheBestButler** has logged out}

 

**Miss Prince:** that will hold him for another hour

 

**The Bat:** Nice job!

 

**FlashRobin:** Oh my way back to order that shirt!

 

::

::

 

**The Bat:** Alfred just phoned and says there’s nothing wrong with the gators and the keepers haven’t seen any weird lights lol

 

**FlashRobin:** I just text him to ask him to pick up that shirt for me at the mall on his way back :D

 

{ **FlashRobin** has attached the  picture  _ Funnyaf.jpg _ } 

 

**TheBat:** OMG

 

**SuperKent:** SHIT FUCK MY EYES

 

**MrsKent:** JESUS WEPT THAT'S SCARY

 

**MissPrince:** Erugh 

 

**SupermansMom:** you need church hun

 

**FlashRobin:** PFFT LMAO

 

**NotAPitchfork:** They shoulda snogged it out anyway

 

::

::

 

**TheBestButler:** Barry I have your shirt and I’m on my way back to Gotham airport

 

**TheBat:** Okay cool, I’ve booked a table for dinner 

 

**TheBestButler:** Oh, really? Why, what’s the occasion?

 

**TheBat:** Cause it’s your seventieth?

 

**TheBestButler:** O.O

 

**The Bat:** did you forget?

 

**TheBestButler:** It’s not the 7th?

 

**TheBat:** No it's the 8th

 

**FlashRobin:** Happy Birthday Alfie!

 

**TheBestButler:** Well, okay then, I’ll make sure to get my suit on, thank god I got it dry cleaned

 

**TheBat:** We’ll be waiting for you when you get back so you can open your presents before we go.

 

::

::

**TheBestButler:** Bruce, call a lawyer

 

**TheBat:** Why?

 

**TheBestButler:** There’s two officers here at my car at the airport claiming I’m under arrest for drug smuggling

 

**TheBat:** WTF?

 

**TheBestButler:**  They have papers and everything

 

**TheBestButler:** Oh, they said they will drive me back to the house so they can talk with you as well

 

**TheBestButler:** though tbh they’re a little underdressed if I may say 

 

**TheBat:** Hot day?

 

**TheBestButler:** It’s raining, sir. I think I just saw nipple

 

{ **TheBestButler** has logged out}

 

**TheBat:** EVERYONE GET IN POSITION ITS GAME TIME

 

::

::

 

**FlashRobin:** I have so many pictures!

 

**MissPrince:** I don’t think I’ll ever get over hearing Alfred say ‘fuck you’

 

**TheBestButler:** I still hate all of you 

 

**FlashRobin:** Oh c'mon the confetti was funny!

 

**SuperKent:** My mom just burnt two thousand on ‘Captain’ Jack LOL

 

**MrsKent:** Go Ma!!

 

**MissPrince:** Clark I got more amazonian ice tea!!

 

**SuperKent:** Whoooop!

 

**NotAPitchFork:** I dare you to shots farmer boy!

 

**SuperKent:** Alf get over here, Ma wants to give you a lap dance!!

 

**TheBestButler:** Get me more bourbon and I’ll let her take my shirt off! 

 

**The Bat:** Hold on to your mother Kent, my butler’s a bad boy for life!!

 

**FlashRobin:** Wow, that was cool the way the music straight changed as you said that.

 

**TheBat:** That’s because I’m Djing you ninny! 

 

::

::

 

**TheBat:** I just ate cake off strippers chest omg!

 

**TheBestButler:** I saw, very sexy

 

**SupermansMom:** My Clark is wasted Diana what is in that stuff?

 

**MissPrince:** Syifff!

 

**FlashRobin:** She’s means stuff

 

**SupermansMom** : thank god this is over I think its time for bed

 

**Flashrobin:** WHOOHOOAOAOAOAOA

 

{ **MrsKent** has started a live video}

 

**MrsKent:** GO CLARK

 

**TheBat:** WTF KENT 

 

**FlashRobin:** MY SWEET JEWISH INNOCENCE

 

**SupermansMom:** SWEET HEAVENS WHAT IS MY BOY DOING?

 

**TheBat:** sucking off my butler that’s what he's doing!!!

 

**MrsKent:** FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!

 

{ **MrMechanic** has logged in}

 

**MrMechanic:** Hey okay, I’ll just leave the gift on the kitchen counter and take my cake I don’t need to see strippers thanks or Kent sucking cock but thanks for the blackmail.

 

**MrMechanic:** Happy Birthday Alfred

 

{ **MrMechanic** has logged out}

 

**FlashRobin:** I’m on my ninth piece going for ten!

 

**TheBat:** There’s so much cake I’ve had three pieces already and half of Ma’s pie’s plus chips and curry from the buffet I’m lagging. #FatBat

 

**MissPrince:** Bruce can I borrow your bedroom?

 

**TheBat:** Why?

 

**MissPrince:** I wanna pay two of these guys for a private show.

 

**TheBat:** Sure just don't get anything on my sheets!

 

::

::

 

**{Next morning}**

 

**SupermansMom:** There is glitter and confetti everywhere I go, where do you keep the hover?

 

**TheBestButler:** I can’t remember

 

**TheBat:** One of the closets?

 

**MrsKent:** Think I can write an article on the top twenty reasons to have a British butler? Would Perry like that?

 

**SuperKent:** I don't know, maybe, all I know is I can't look at Alfred the same ever again

 

**TheBat:** He tastes good doesn’t he? ;) 

 

**SuperKent:** SHUT UP

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Your shower room is cosy aff Bruce

 

**TheBat:** I didn’t know that but I know my water bill will be high as fuck

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Btw Barry’s in here and he’s passed out in the tub

 

**NotAPitchfork:** He’s covered in icing and chocolate sauce 

 

**TheBat:** Can someone take Barry's orange juice up to him and bath him please he has college, I have to get the two people I just found in my closet home.  

 

**MrsKent:** Who was in the closet?

 

**TheBat:** One of the catering staff and 'Chief Petty Officer' Luke.

 

**TheBat:** Fuck knows where they get these uniforms from but fuck if Alfred wore this then god my cock would never go down!

 

 **MissPrince:** I need coffee, bacon and someone to tell me whether you can get pregnant from anal sex?

 

**SupermansMom:** No sweetie, you can’t

 

**SupermansMom: A** lthough you're not completely human so I can’t really advise that

 

**TheBestButler:** Thanks for the party, btw even though you scared the crap out of me when I got into the cave…

 

**MrsKent** : Your Welcome, it’s been nice to hang out again.

 

**NotAPitchFork:** Yeah, it was fun

 

**TheBat:** You wouldn’t have one for your sixtieth so we had to do one this year!

 

**TheBestButler:** Also thanks for the tie, the boots, the watch, the jacket, the rug, all the chocolate, the 'Best Butler baseball cap', the voice-activated gold plated Roomba and Aldarik, Edwin, Nigel, Frank, Clarence, Harold and Theodore.

 

**TheBat:** Why did you name your fish like that?

 

**TheBestButler:** there are all the guys I shot for desertion.

**TheBat:** Fuck Alfred that's dark af.

 

 **TheBestButler:** Although sadly Nigel turned out innocent in the end, but we'd already shot the poor bugger.

 

::

::

 

**The Bat:** The Fat Bat is no more!

{ **TheBat** has posted a picture  _ log.jpg _ }

 

**TheBat:** Biggest shit I think I ever taken!

**SuperKent:** URGH

 

**MrsKent:** WTF BRUCE

 

**Miss Prince:** I don’t know my dad could outdo you

 

**TheBat:** WELL DUH HE’S A FUCKING GOD!

 

**TheBestButler:** Master Wayne, that is revolting what are you fifteen again, you better not block it!

 

**TheBat:** Alfred

 

**TheBestButler:** Yes Master Wayne?

 

**TheBat:** Call a plumber and Aquaman the toilet is flooding!! 

 

**FlashRobin:** I’M GUNNA DROWN!!


End file.
